The Hero Dies in This One
by LifeIChose
Summary: Sometimes I just wish you could rescue me. "From what?" From all of it. BL.
1. Change Gonna Come

**Disclaimer**: These characters do not belong to me. Solely the property of Mark Schwann and the CW.

**Author's Note**: Follows along mostly with everything that happened from Season One to end of Season Four.

This is set in the future, years after the end of high school and will involve a lot of flashbacks to explain how we ended up where we are at the beginning of the story.

My first attempt at a full length BL story. **Please Review**.

* * *

_Change gonna come_

_By the fire, by the gun_

Safety is something that Lucas Scott had always valued. To feel safe and to save. Lucas had been pursuing those two things for as long as he could remember.

Back in a different life, in a different town, he sought safety in the arms of two best friends, moving back and forth between them until he effectively shattered both of their hearts. He also sought to save both of them, liking the feeling of being a hero.

The brunette with his heart claimed that he didn't try hard enough to save her. He hadn't been able to see it then but later he finally understood what she had meant. He hadn't really tried to save her. Truth was, like he had written in his first widely successful novel, she was fiercely independent . Brilliant and beautiful and brave. Brooke Davis didn't need saving but her blond curly haired best-friend did. It was what had drawn him to her. Like the smell of smoke pulling him closer to an escalating fire. The fire had spread; consumed not just her and him but also destroyed the girl who felt like she was always standing on the outside.

After the smoke had cleared though, Lucas Scott had found a sense of security in Peyton Sawyer's arms. He had saved her and in turn she had helped his wounds heal. Wounds from a broken heart, a dead uncle who had really been a father and the discovery that his biological father was the one behind the murder.

His relationship with Peyton wasn't like the fiery one he had just ended with the bold brunette. While with Brooke it always felt like they were one misunderstanding away from self-destructing; with Peyton they communicated and understood each other perfectly. With Peyton, he felt safe.

Yes, Lucas Scott valued safety. To feel safe and to save. Out of those two, he wasn't sure what was more important.

And sometimes other things pulled away at Lucas. Tempted him away from the safety net he created and destroyed his world like a tornado. That's what had happened later with Peyton and destroyed the love that they had created. It had taken Lucas a while to recover from that but he had learned from his mistakes. At twenty five years old, he felt safe again. He had a stable career. He was a successful novelist with two best-selling books and a third on the way. He had a supportive family, great friends and a loving wife. His life was neat, orderly and peaceful and he was happy.

Sometimes though Lucas' old friend temptation would drop by unexpected and uninvited. Temptation usually came in the form of memories from the past and usually at night when the peaceful air of his apartment could randomly be interrupted by noise from the outside world; firetrucks and policemen announcing bad things that Lucas would rather pretend didn't exist like his resurfacing past which he had never been fully able to escape.

Temptation hadn't visited in a while and Lucas had begun to forget about his sordid past. Just like an unexpected visitor takes pleasure in dropping in when you least expect it, temptation was soon to make a reappearance in Lucas Scott's life. It was to mix his past with his present, destroying his orderly world and it was to make him choose between safety and saving.

The night before Lucas Scott's world was about to change, he woke up with sweat on his brow and memories of a dimpled, hazel eyed brunette on his mind. He looked around the room, his heart beating wildly, to remind himself where he was. It was just a dream. He relaxed back down and put his arms around his sleeping wife. He was at home, he was safe: everything was at it should be.

_Because the truth will come like a thief in the night_

_Being awake I've learned is the meaning of life_

It's Tuesday, a day that should be like any other but as soon as Lucas wakes up, he knows that it won't be. He has faint memories of his dream from the night but as always he would rather not remember so he gets out of bed and pushes the memories out. He finds his wife sipping a cup of coffee as she reads the newspaper, sitting at the island in the kitchen, a plate of eggs and half a bagel pushed to her side.

Lucas smiles when he sees her, a sense of calm returning to him. Lucas knows that that is one of the reasons that he loves her; the peace that exudes from her, able to soothe him during his lows. Kissing her on the cheek, he grabs her half eaten bagel and bites into it.

Putting down her paper, she smiles up at him. "Hey. I'm glad you got up before I left. What are you doing today?"

"I was going to go for a run then hopefully get some writing done," Lucas answers.

"That's what I like to hear," she says with a smile. She is his wife but she is also his editor and it is her job to push him on his writing.

Used to it, Lucas isn't bothered. "I have to go down to "_The Weekender_" as well so maybe I can meet you for dinner."

Soft lips kiss Lucas'. "Sounds good. Call me later."

He nods and watches her gather her things. Before she leaves, she presses her lips to Lucas' again. "I love you. See you tonight."

She leaves Lucas with a smile on his face. Lindsey formerly Strauss, now Scott; his editor and wife. She came into his life three years ago, just when Lucas most needed her. He hadn't been looking for a savior but the morning that he'd woken up with her by his side, he knew he'd found one. They'd been married three months later. Everyone had said that it was too soon, that maybe he was making a mistake, a quick rebound. But now that they had been married for three years, no one could make that claim anymore.

Light brown hair, blue eyes, smart and kind. Drama free, she came with no baggage and perhaps that is what had sold Lucas on her.

After years of so much drama and life upheavals, Lindsey Strauss had been a breath of fresh air. Three years later and Lucas finds she still is. Drama free, breath of fresh air.

Later as Lucas walks among throngs of people on his way to _The Weekender, _he finds himself in awe of New York. Despite having lived in the city for three years, he still gets these moments from time to time. New York is such a departure from Tree Hill, from him but Lucas can't deny that he's come to love it. He originally moved here for Lindsey but eventually got caught up in the allure. He has favourite restaurants and coffee shops and even a casual job: he writes anonymously for the society pages of the weekly magazine _The Weekender_.

The job, just like the city, is a departure for Lucas. It was Lindsey's idea, something to keep him entertained between books. He's had almost a year with the magazine. The Weekender is sort of like a weekly Vanity Fair. Covering politics and world issues, no one can call it a tabloid but the society pages border on that. There are four pages each week covering New York's elite from politicians to socialites and movie stars. Besides the pictures are two regular columns, one is Lucas', always signed anonymously, providing a scathing report on New York's finest. It's mostly harmless gossip but everyone loves to hate it because it is smartly written though unapologetic and because it is always true. No one has been able to unmask the identity of the secret columnist but the rich and famous know that it must be someone among them for only an insider would have that kind of information on them.

Lucas Scott, author of one book about love and other about philosophy can't quite explain why he keeps writing for the paper. It's not about the money; him and Lindsey really don't need it. And Lucas had never been one for gossip, even in high school, when it was almost expected of you.

Lucas, in his darkest days, when he has gone too far and let out a secret that has almost destroyed someone, lets himself admit that it's because he likes it. Lucas who has always had chaos in his life doesn't quite know what to do with peace. Lucas who likes safe also knows he has a tendency of getting bored and messing up. Lucas won't do that again, doesn't want to become that guy again so he gets his fix of chaos at work and goes home at a reasonable hour every night with a wife who only knows _this_ life. A life of work meetings, dinners at 7, mingling with the rich and famous for a few hours every weekend then coming home to begin repeating the cycle.

To Lindsey, Lucas' first book was mostly a work of fiction. The only people that she has met out of that book are Nathan and Haley and she only knows them in New York. She has no concept of Tree Hill and the people that are infamous in that town. Lucas to her is the Lucas she's known in New York. The Lucas in the books she's edited is mostly a figment of her husband's imagination. She therefore does not fear the part of Lucas that thrives on high society scandals. He is her husband after all. Kind, handsome, smart and safe. Lucas who would never hurt a fly or break a heart.

Time: what separate the present from the past, the future. On some days, days like today, Lucas' mind plays tricks on him. In the middle of doing something he will get caught up in a memory and for a moment he will forget where he is, who he is. The time warp is fleeting but it always leaves him shaking. It's been 1215 days since he last saw her. Lucas keeps track because sometimes the number is the only thing that can knock Lucas out from the past and into the present. It happens ever so rarely, the memories of her, but Lucas needs every weapon to fight them. He never wants to be like his father, to get so caught up in the past that it destroys you. He's come close but he's learned. He won't be his father.

* * *

Lucas has spent many days lost in words in remote coffee shops. That's a main reason that Lucas has come to love New York. All the little nooks and crannies where Lucas can go write and not get interrupted by anyone he knows.

Cool Beans is a new favourite coffee shop and despite the silly name, Lucas loves it. It's much less cool and edgy than the other places Lucas frequents. It reminds him of his Mom's old cafe in Tree Hill and though Lucas would like to purge most memories of the sleepy little town, most memories involving his Mom and the time he spent growing up there are ones that he would like to keep.

Inspired after his recent meeting at The Weekender, Lucas is busy typing when he hears the door open. He doesn't bother looking up like he hasn't bothered each time someone has come in. When he hears the new entry order coffee, however, Lucas can't help but look up. The voice is unmistakable and even before their eyes meet, Lucas knows it's her.

As hazel locks on blue, her eyes widen and Lucas' heart rate quickens. The moment is over quickly though as she returns her gaze to the barista, hands him a bill and grabs the coffee from the counter. She pushes sunglasses onto her face and leaves the coffee shop without a backward glance.

Lucas stares at the door long after she's left, unable to move or process the fact that he has just seen Brooke Davis after more than three years. A buzzing on the table brings him out of his daze and he looks down at the silver vibrating cell phone. "2:37pm, Lindsey calling,"it reads. Lucas reaches for the answer button then hesitates before pushing the ignore button instead.

_How many moments in life can you point to and say that's when it all changed? _

_You just had one._

Lucas glances back towards the door and rubs his eyes. He can't really comprehend why or how but he instinctively knows that Brooke Davis has just changed his life again.

* * *

**Song Credit**: "Change Gonna Come" - Amir Sulaimain


	2. Time to Pretend

**A/N**: Thank you so much for those that reviewed my first chapter. My life is crazy right now but I really wanted to get an update out soon. Thanks for the motivation.

XXXX

_I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life_

_I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars_

_You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars_

_Forget about our mothers and our friends_

_We're fated to pretend_

Brooke Davis prides herself on her ability to pretend. To smile with dimples when her heart is shattering. To seem like the life of the party when inside she barely feels alive.

The ability to pretend is what has managed to keep Brooke going during her lowest lows. It's been her greatest strength, her survival instinct since she was ten years old.

Brooke has loved cities since she was ten years old as well.

On a trip to New York with her parents, Brooke was left to her own devices as her parents were, not for the first or last time, too busy to spend time with her. Her father was in work meetings and her mother had ordered her to stay home as she was busy out spending her husband's money.

After a few hours alone, Brooke eventually got bored and escaped out of their fancy penthouse suite. Wandering down the streets of Manhattan alone, Brooke lost and found herself in the corners of the city and did not return home until 8:00 pm that night.

While most children would have been scared to have absolutely no idea where they were in a city full of strangers, Brooke felt intoxicated. The noise quieted down Brooke's troubled questions about the love her parents had for her and the crowds distracted her from her loneliness. It wasn't quite a cure but Brooke would take it.

When Brooke returned to the hotel room she found her parents entertaining guests. They barely glanced at her as she walked in and she hovered around waiting for some sort of acknowledgment or questions of where she had been. What she got instead was the stern though slightly slurred command of her mother, "Don't just stand there Brooke. Go into your room. Can't you see we have guests?"

That night Brooke came to terms with what she had feared all along: her parents did not love her. And that night began her life of pretending along with the first of many dreams of escaping to the city.

XXXX

If Brooke Davis' biggest strength is her ability to pretend then her biggest weakness is Lucas Scott.

It has been a little under an hour since Brooke saw Lucas. She is back in her apartment, on her balcony looking down at the streets. Her eyes are blank and if anyone were to be looking at her right now, all they would see was a picture of grace and self assured composure. If one looked closer though, they might notice that the left hand, the one with the beautiful ring, the one on the railing: it's shaking. Brooke's other hand is clasped tightly around a wine glass. It would be shaking too but its tight grip on the glass has been helping to keep it steady.

Her hands have been shaking since she walked out of the coffee shop. The noise below isn't helping to soothe her.

Brooke hasn't felt this lost since three years ago and she hates herself for it.

She hadn't planned on seeing Lucas ever again. She figured that he would live in Tree Hill for the rest of his life and nothing could make her set foot in that town again. Of course she thought that before, only to return there at 22. But that was a mistake as she learned the hard way. Never Again.

Lucas in New York is something she hadn't planned on. And he looked so comfortable sitting in what used to be her favourite coffee shop. Brooke feels angry as she ponders what Lucas is doing in New York. It is supposed to be her city, her coffee shop. Granted she hasn't lived here in years but she was excited to be back. That excitement is tainted by the knowledge that Lucas lives here now.

Brooke knows that from now on she is going to be wary of running into him everywhere she goes. She also knows that she will never return to Cool Beans. She wants to let out a frustrated scream but instead she raises her right hand and takes a sip of her wine.

Lucas Scott has just taken another thing from her and she hates him for it. It is a feeling so intense that as soon as she feels it, it scares her.

She supposes she shouldn't be surprised. Lucas was the first boy who ever made her feel anything.

"_I never gave a rat's ass before."_

But that was years ago. She's not supposed to feel anything for him anymore.

It's not that she is scared that she is still in love with him. She is sure that that love died that night in the hospital. The fear comes from feeling anything at all.

Brooke hasn't felt much in three years. She's hit rock bottom then risen up. She has been living a life most girls would only dream of. She is the CEO of a successful clothing company, she has a rich and handsome husband and has spent the last couple of years rubbing elbows with the rich and famous in Paris.

Brooke smiles with dimples that win hearts and is considered to be the life of the party. Brooke hasn't felt alive in years.

Just one run in with Lucas has reawakened memories and feelings in Brooke that she had forgotten about. Memories of a curly blond haired girl and a blue eyed boy. Best-friends and god sons. Affairs and broken hearts. Hospitals and broken bones. Realizing the boy who you always wanted to save you would be the one to destroy you.

Brooke hasn't thought about all this in years and as she takes another sip of her wine with a more steady hand, she curses Lucas Scott for even after everything, after all these years, having the ability to crack her well constructed walls.

Brooke has always been good at pretending. Lucas has always been good at seeing past it.

"_You know Brooke, you don't have to act like this."_

"_I know that. But you are the first guy to ever say it."_

Bringing up her left hand to run it through her dark brown waves, Brooke catches a glimpse of her diamond as it sparkles in the sun. She sets down her wine and traces the ring with her other hand. She's been married for two years but sometimes she needs the ring to serve as a reminder. For most of their marriage, her husband has been gone more often than not. New York is supposed to change that. Brooke isn't sure if that's a good thing or not.

Thinking of her husband, Brooke glances down at her watch. He will probably be coming home soon and she knows she will have to explain why she never returned to the office after her coffee run. Rafael Jimenez knows nothing of Lucas Scott and Brooke intends to keep it that way. Finishing off her wine, she straightens herself out and heads into the apartment.

She struggles to remember where she put her purse in an apartment that is still filled with boxes. Finding it, she calls her husband and upon getting his voicemail, leaves him a message explaining that she was feeling ill and came home early to rest. Brooke sounds convincingly sick and feels confident as she hangs up that Rafael will have no reason to doubt her. Lying now comes naturally to Brooke; she's been doing it since she was ten.

Laying down on the couch, Brooke gets ready to continue the lie. Once she shuts her eyes, however, memories assault her. Brooke tries to banish them right away. Lucas Scott was once her downfall and Brooke won't do that again. She struggles to fall asleep but as has been the case for the past three years she finds it difficult. Brooke hates sleeping because it's harder then to control what she thinks about, what she remembers.

Rising up from the couch, Brooke grabs her bag and pulls out a few documents she had with her from the office before seeing Lucas. Work is a perfect distraction and Brooke soon finds herself absorbed in the documents.

A little over three years ago, Brooke's life completely fell apart. In Paris, she was able to build it up again.

Brooke does not consider forgetting about the past a choice; she sees it as a matter of survival. Forgetting was the only thing that helped her three years ago. Pretending is the only thing that keeps her going.

_There's really nothing, nothing we can do_

_Love must be forgotten_

_Life can always start up anew_

But if the ability to pretend is Brooke's greatest strength; Lucas is Brooke's greatest weakness.

XXXX

**Song Credit**: "Time to Pretend" - MGMT


	3. The Worst Taste in Music

**A/N: ** I am playing with the dates in this story. Because I don't want to have this story taking place in 2014, I am going to pretend that fours years after high school was 2005 and then three and a half years from then, which is when this story takes place, is 2008.

Hope that's not too confusing.

**I worry with a story that's more than a one shot that people lose interest so please review and let me know your thoughts.**

XXXX

_He can't forget you_

_You're quite a find_

_In my mind I see how he gets you_

_To close your eyes_

_Kiss the skies_

He can't forget her. After years of ridding any fleeting memory of the brunette all it has taken is one glance across a room and Lucas can't get Brooke out of his mind. It's been three days since he saw her and those three days have felt more like an eternity than the twelve hundred and fifteen before them.

Despite the flood of memories invading Lucas's mind, he's managed to keep life going as usual. He wakes up, kisses his wife before she heads to work, writes or at least tries to, has dinner with his wife and then wakes up to do it all over again.

Lucas has never been a great actor though and on the third day, Lindsey puts down her coffee mug and takes the _The New York Times _out of Lucas's hand. She looks worried.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She reaches out her right hand and strokes Lucas's left cheek. "I was just going to ask you the same thing."

Lucas chuckles nervously. "It's nothing."

She studies him, her gaze unwavering but tender and concerned. "Lucas," It's almost a plea and Lucas hears it.

Lucas has made many mistakes when it comes to relationships and does not want to repeat any of them. Maybe it's because of his recent encounter with Brooke but Lindsey's plea makes him think of her.

"_Why won't you ever just let me all the way in?"_

Lucas takes his wife's hand and kisses it then leans down and captures her lips as well. He doesn't want to shut her out but he can't bring himself to tell her about Brooke. It should be ancient history and Lucas knows that she would probably understand but he has never told her about everything that happened before he met her. Right now the wounds feel raw again, like a deep cut that had almost healed but then bursts open at contact with the edge of a piece of paper.

"I love you," Lucas tells Lindsey. "And I promise I'm okay. I've just been feeling a little weird lately."

It's the truth and it's all that Lucas can offer. Lindsey has never had any reason to doubt Lucas so she smiles and lets the subject drop. Everyone has their off days, even supermen like Lucas, she reasons.

She finishes her coffee and leaves for work with a promise to be home early so that her and Lucas can have dinner before the party at the house of former Vogue Editor in Chief Stella Ward.

After the door clicks shut, the house is filled with familiar silence. It's a silence that Lucas usually appreciates but now Lucas finds it eerie. Like the silence of ghosts. In this silence Lucas finds it hard not to get lost in the memories so lately he's been leaving the TV on CNN. Listening to the drone of news reporters, even if some are annoying as Nancy Grace, is much more conducive to writing than Lucas's distracting memories.

After a couple of hours of trying to write, however, Lucas finds that the minute to minute coverage of the election campaign is getting to him and he turns off the TV and switches to his favourite Indie music station instead. As The Radio Department's "The Worst Taste in Music" comes on, Lucas sighs and closes his eyes. The attack of memories is instantaneous and Lucas doesn't bother fighting it.

XXXX

"_Who is this?" Lucas asks._

"_The Radio Department," Peyton answers. The music is flowing from her Ipod and she is sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by sticky notes and demo cds. She is in the middle of planning a concert at Tric to promote her record label and is trying to figure out what bands she would like to have play. "You like them?"_

_From his position on the couch Lucas lifts his eyes from his laptop and nods. "Yeah. You should try and get them to play at Tric."_

_Beside him, Brooke yawns and changes positions so that her legs are now stretched out along Lucas'. "Ugh. How about booking a band that doesn't put me to sleep?"_

_Lucas laughs and Peyton rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry Brooke but I'm not going to have Britney Spears make her comeback at my show."_

_Brooke sticks out her tongue good naturedly at Peyton. While she was dating Lucas, Brooke was always annoyed at the bond that Peyton and Lucas shared over music but as she looks at her friends' happy faces, she smiles because the two blondes still share this bond. It's more proof that they were meant to be together. "Watch it P. Sawyer or I might add a little more puff and poof to this wedding dress of yours."_

"_You wouldn't." Peyton states looking startled but there is laughter in her eyes._

"_I don't know," Brooke sing songs. "A little poof might give you a much needed ass."_

_Lucas listens to the two girls joking around and smiles happily. They've come a long way. From barely talking in high school to Brooke returning to Tree Hill after four years to be Peyton's maid of honor and then deciding to open a Clothes over Bros store in Tree Hill so that she can be there for all the wedding preparations without missing out on work. _

_Brooke has been living with Peyton and Lucas for the past two weeks since her return to Tree Hill and Lucas has loved having her around. She's more mature now but she is still the same Brooke: all bounce and smiles. Lucas hadn't really foreseen any problems with her living with them, after all the past was just that:past. And him, her and Peyton had patched up their broken relationships in the course of the four years that she had been gone. Still though, Brooke's presence in the house has been much better than he could have ever expected. _

"_So what do you think Broody?" Brooke asks Lucas, bringing him out of his thoughts. "You think your fiancé could use a little more ass?"_

_Lucas laughs. There's a twinkle in Brooke's eyes that he finds incredibly alluring. _

"_Lucas!" Peyton shrieks. "You better answer that question and you better answer it right."_

_Lucas forces his eyes away from Brooke's and looks over at Peyton. "Oh come on Peyton, you know I think you are absolutely perfect."_

_A soft blush spreads over Peyton's cheeks and she smiles. Lucas smiles back at her and both miss the twinkle leaving Brooke's eyes as she returns to her sketching._

_XXXX_

"_Ha, I knew it." Lucas whispers in Brooke's ears as he comes up behind her._

_Brooke jumps and puts a hand to her chest. _

"_Sorry," Lucas apologizes._

_Brooke smiles away the apology. "Uh oh, I feel like I'm in trouble here. What did you find out about me?"_

"_Nothing I didn't really already know." He leans over so that she can hear him above the din of music and boisterous voices. "You are a closet Indie music fan."_

_She laughs and raises a questioning brow. "What?"_

"_I saw how transfixed you looked as you listened to The Radio Department." He gestures to the stage where a new band is playing: some young hipsters signed to Peyton's label._

"_Fine. You caught me, I like one Indie band." She grabs his collar in a mock threatening gesture. "But if you tell anyone, I'll deny, deny, deny and then I'll kill you."_

_Lucas throws his head back in laughter. "I promise this will remain between you and me Pretty Girl."_

_Brooke looks at Lucas from the corner of her eye and smiles softly. Since she's been back, her and Lucas have gradually resorted to calling each other by old nicknames. In some ways Brooke likes it. Because in the chaos of work and planning his and Peyton's wedding, the nicknames make her feel close to him. In other ways Brooke hates it. Because in the chaos of work and planning him and Peyton's wedding, she still worries about feeling close to him._

"_I can't believe Peyton managed to pull off getting all these bands here," Brooke says. "She's amazing."_

_This time it is Lucas who looks at Brooke out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah she is." He's not sure why but with his words he feels the energy between him and Brooke change._

_Peyton watches the pair from the steps close to the stage where she is preparing to go on and introduce the next band. She smiles as she watches the two most important people to her talk. _

_Peyton is aware that there is something about the way Brooke is around Lucas that she isn't around anyone else. She's fun and she's flirty but sometimes she's also a little vulnerable. _

_Sometimes the little green monster tries to cause trouble but then Lucas will kiss her or Brooke will hug her and call her best-friend and the spark of jealousy is crushed. _

_Four years have done everyone good. There are no more love triangles here._

XXXX

The songs ends and the DJ's voice breaks in. Lucas's mind is still on soft smiles from a dimpled girl. Frustrated, Lucas shuts off the radio. He sits in silence for a minute then reaches for the phone.

He can't forget her but Lucas doesn't want to make the same mistakes again. He arranges to meet Lindsey for lunch.

He needs to forget her.

XXXX

**Song Credit**: "The Worst Taste in Music" – The Radio Department


	4. The Blower's Daughter

**A/N**: I don't have a computer right now so updates might be slow as this one has been. But I am thankful for reviews which inspire.

The general consensus for my last chapter was that is was confusing. Sorry but it is probably going to continue to be confusing for a while. The flashbacks are in time order unless indicated and I am using them for you to piece together what happened with Brooke and Lucas on your own. More of the puzzle next chapter.

XXXX

_And so it is_

_Just like you said it would be_

_Life goes easy on me_

_Most of the time_

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" Lucas whispers against Lindsey's neck, brushing his lips against still tanned skin.

She turns and links her arms around his neck loosely. "I think you mentioned it once or twice." She pecks him on the cheek and smiles. "But I don't mind hearing it more than once."

Lindsey is in a deep purple satin dress. It is a one shouldered floor length piece that ruches at the side of the middle before flowing away from her body and to the floor. A penguin feathered broche is pinned on the thick strap on her right shoulder adding an eccentricity to the otherwise gorgeous but simple dress. Lindsey's only accessories are dangling gold earrings which stick out against her pulled back hair and exposed shoulders.

In the midst of so many models and fashion icons Lindsey still manages to stand out and look beautiful. Standing next to Lucas who is in a dark grey suit and a tie the same colour as Lindsey's dress, the two make quite a stunning couple.

Yes, Lindsey looks beautiful. But it doesn't really surprise Lucas. He's always found her to be, even when he didn't have room in his heart to see her as anything more.

"So when can we get out of here?"

"Lucas," Lindsey scolds. "We just got here."

The blue eyed boy leans in and presses his lips against Lindsey's neck. "Yeah but think of how much more fun we could have at home."

Lindsey pushes him away. "You know that I would love to go home with you but we both have work to do."

Lucas groans, still against her neck. "Work? On a Friday? That's just not right."

Removing his head from her neck, she brings it forward so that she is now looking at his face "How about this, you go find some gossip for the next issue of _The Weekender_, I'll go talk to every aspiring writer here and try to find someone with some talent so that I can actually make my boss smile for once and then we'll get out of here?"

Lucas sighs. He doesn't want to be separated from Lindsey. Since meeting her for lunch he's found that being near her keeps him focused on what he needs to do, where he needs to be and away from closing in on himself, caught up in days past. He figures though that she does have a point. They both have a purpose at this party and at least other's people's drama will distract him from his own. "Alright. Deal."

Lindsey smiles and kisses him all too briefly before grabbing her Cosmopolitan from the bar counter behind her. She stops after walking a few feet away from him. Blowing him a kiss, she mouths, "I love you."

He smiles too but as she turns back and exits Stella Ward's elegant living room into the foyer, Lucas' smile drops. It's a common gesture, a different life and a different girl but the air kiss leaves Lucas cold. In a room made hot by bodies and an unseasonably warm September night, Lucas feels chilled to the bone.

Lucas looks into the foyer hoping for another glimpse of his calming wife. It's another girl he sees though. He can only see her side as there is a man with his arm around her waist blocking Lucas's view of her. Lucas watches the pair talking to another couple and heat returns to him. The chill is gone and he feels like he is suffocating. The balcony behind Lucas is crowded but Lucas heads to it anyway. He needs to be as far away from her as possible.

XXXX

_And so it is_

_The shorter story_

_No love, no glory_

_No hero in her skies_

Brooke is bored. Circling around the room with her husband, talking to this model or this businessman. It's a new city but a tired scene. This kind of party is what her life in Paris consisted of. Possibly a more glamorous version but in the end it was basically the same thing.

Just like in Paris, Brooke smiles easily and makes conversation just as well. She talks about her company when appropiate but mostly she lets Rafael lead the conversation. This is his night and she is there to be supportive. She's bored though and he can tell.

He pulls her aside and Brooke prepares herself for a fight. His voice sounds kind, however, when he speaks. "What's going on? I thought you would be having a lot more fun. This is your first big New York fashion party."

Brooke thinks to herself she should be having more fun. While events like this had become monotonous in Paris, Brooke had been excited about moving to New York and meeting new people. New people that would know her as her, Brooke Davis, not as Rafael Jimenez's wife. The problem is not the party, it is who she is with.

She smiles sweetly at her husband and kisses him long and deep. When she pulls away she says, "I am having fun. It's just you know I've been feeling a little sick lately and I would honestly just rather be at home with you."

Rafael scowls. "You know this is a big night for me."

"I know. That's why I am going to go outside and get some fresh air then I'll come back and dazzle your new employees and then we'll get out of here." She kisses him again and though he appears to be still annoyed, Brooke knows that it's more of an act than anything.

To feel in control, Rafael never wants to appear to be under Brooke's spell but she knows he is. At least when it comes to sex. It's something that hasn't changed she met him. His all consuming attraction to her. Brooke hates that it is her only power in the relationship yet she never fails to use it if the need requires. She stopped hating herself for that a long time ago.

Leaving him standing in the foyer, Brooke heads to the balcony at the back of the room. She needs some air before she can return to playing the part of the dutiful wife.

XXXX

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_I can't take my eyes off you_

_I can't take my eyes..._

Brooke is used to being stared at. In high school, she relished the attention, basked in it. Back then being the center of the attention used to mean so much to her. Brooke knew no one at Tree Hill High was going to respect or fall in love with her but at least she could make the girls desperately envy her and the boys equally desperate in their want of her. That all had worked fine until Lucas Scott had taken his eyes off Peyton Sawyer and focused them and his affection on her.

Lucas Scott's stare had always felt different to Brooke. It was as if the intensity of the deep blue projected a different energy on Brooke that made her able to tell apart his look from all others. Whatever the reason, whenever Lucas looked at Brooke, she could feel it.

Lucas Scott's stare gave her shivers but the good kind. With Lucas, she did not just feel wanted, she also felt something more. It was as if Lucas was not just looking at the shine of her hair, or the cut of her blouse; he was looking into her soul.

Despite everything that had happened between her and Lucas and all the time that had passed, Brooke was surprised to discover that Lucas's stare still felt different. She had felt blue eyes on her at the coffee shop and standing at the corner of a crowded balcony Brooke can feel them now too.

Without turning around, Brooke is a hundred percent sure that Lucas is watching her. Her mind reels with questions about what he is doing at this party before she remembers that Lucas had a book published by the same company that Rafael is just about to announce that he purchased.

She laughs humorlessly to herself. Of course Lucas is at the same party as her just when she is starting to really stabilize. In the past it had always been like that with him; just when Brooke convinced herself that she was over him, he would irrevocably change that.

Lucas' eyes are still on Brooke. With inexplicable conviction Brooke is sure that turning around would be giving into the power that Lucas has always held over her.

She is aching to look at him but she is older now. Harder. There is little left to lose but she's already lost so much to Lucas Scott that she will not allow herself to lose anything more.

She keeps her eyes firmly glued to the bright city lights.

Lucas in turn keeps his eyes on her. He sees the hard line of her jaw and the frown marring her face and knows that she is aware of his presence and is purposefully not looking at him. He goes to take a step in her direction and falters.

Lucas has so often failed when it comes to taking action with Brooke. He always sat when he should leap up and stood while he should be running after. Lucas fought for everything and everyone. When it came to Brooke though he would become immobile.

Lucas was a writer and could give the most eloquent speeches. So often, however, when it came to Brooke, he was speechless.

So much time has passed and Lucas is surprised to find just how much has stayed the same. He is still rooted to the spot.

Without looking in his direction, Brooke heads back inside the sliding doors.

Minutes pass and Lucas finally takes a step forward. He does not, however, walk into the living room that Brooke had just entered. While in the past Lucas had often cursed his inaction when it came to Brooke, this time he is grateful for it. Because really how many mistakes can one guy make?

Lucas looks into the living room and does not spot Lindsey but there is also no sign of Brooke. Leaning against the railing that Brooke was just resting against, Lucas thinks that maybe this time will be different. This time too much has happened in their past.

A mere hour later, him and Lindsey are on their way home and he has not seen Brooke since the balcony. He has discovered nothing particularly juicy to write about but figures the paper is just going to have to deal with one lousy week of gossip. His marriage is more important.

In their quiet home, however, as Lucas lays next to Lindsey who looks satisfied and content he wishes that the peace radiating from her could spread to him. Usually it does but Lindsey has been sleeping soundly for hours and he has been unable to close his eyes for more than a few minutes without starting to think of Brooke.

The fact that he has seen her twice after a three year absence and has not said anything to her both times has started to bother him. The last time they spoke it was so ugly and so hateful that Lucas had previously elected to never think about. Since that first encounter with her at the coffee shop, the dam has broken though and no memory is safe.

Lucas knows he wants this time to be different. But already it is so similar to the beginning of all other mistakes. He is lying in a bed with one girl while thinking about another.

_Did I say that I loathe you?_

_Did I say that I want to_

_Leave it all behind?_

--

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind off you..._

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind off you_

_I can't take my mind..._

XXXX

**Song Credit**: "The Blower's Daughter" - Damien Rice


	5. Clarity

**A/N**: I fear that I am done with One Tree Hill. I can't bring myself to watch Season 6 and maybe that's the reason that I am struggling to write BL. But I have a vision and memories so I'm hoping that will keep me writing.

_

* * *

_

I worry

_I weigh three times my body_

_I worry_

_I throw my fear around_

Lucas is stuck. Fingers are poised over the keyboard but he can't bring them down to the letters. He is unable to think of anything to write. Over the last week he's erased much more than he's written and he does not see any inspiration looming.

It's not just the book that he is struggling with. His editors at _The Weekender _are also unhappy with his last article. "Not enough meat," his boss had roared. After being berated by his boss who was known for being harsh but never to Lucas and now the trouble with the book, Lucas is flailing.

After three years of relatively easy living, Lucas is struggling. All the things that have made life easy; Lindsey, his book, the magazine, are suddenly making things life hard.

Lindsey is having her own problems at work. The Monday following the party, she came home late. Her hair was tousled, her eyes red and her chin down. There had been a takeover of the publishing house where she worked. That's what they had missed at the party. Some guy named Rafael Jimenez had bought the company. While he would not be responsible for the day to day operations, he was behind some changes. Lindsey's boss had been replaced and there was an ominous feeling of more change to come. No employee felt safe.

Calm Lindsey has turned into erratic Lindsey. Concerned about losing her job, she is putting in overtime to ensure that she outshines the others.

Lucas is finding he is alone too often. No words are coming out but memories are constantly coming in.

Brooke is always on his mind.

It's been five days since he last saw her. He's keeping track but these days time does not work to knock him into the present. After all Brooke is no longer just his history; she is mixed in with his present.

Lucas is struggling. With his words and his marriage.

Memories are omnipresent.

* * *

_But this morning_

_There's a calm I can't explain_

_XXXX_

"_How's the book?"_

_Lucas swivels his chair around to face Brooke. She is standing at the door to his and Peyton's home office, though with his books and notes scattered around the floor and desk, it looks much more his than Peyton's._

_She is in pink pajamas and a white wife beater, with a big blue robe covering her arms but untied and therefore the small gap of skin between her pajamas and top is exposed. _

_With no makeup and her short hair forced up into a messy bun, she looks young and far removed from the face that is plastered over billboards and magazines. _

_Having been living with Brooke for over a month now, Lucas has become accustomed to seeing Brooke like this. _

_Brooke Davis has many versions. This version, the morning version, is quickly becoming Lucas's favourite._

_It's becoming a routine for the two of them. For the past two weeks Brooke has woken up to find Peyton already gone and Lucas already writing. She goes into Lucas's office with a fresh cup of coffee for him and herself, always starting their conversation by asking about his book. Lucas is not really sure how it started or why it continued but he's come to look forward to mornings with Brooke._

_It is sort of ironic really. Because Brooke has never been predictable, her morning predictability is actually a surprise. Lucas does not view her visits as a given and her voice at the door always provides a feeling of joyous relief. _

_Brooke smiles as she comes further into the room. It's been 8 days and Lucas manages to look pleasantly surprised each time. She does not tell him because she does not want to make things uncomfortable but the look on his face every time she comes into the room warms her a lot more than the coffee does._

_Handing him his cup, Brooke moves some papers before perching herself onto his desk._

"_So really how is the book?"_

_Lucas leans back into his chair. "Good."_

_Sensing a "but" in his answer, Brooke takes a sip out of her coffee and says nothing._

"_It's going well I think," Lucas continues. "I am just a little worried because it is so different from my other book."_

"_Why? It's not all about Peyton?" She cringes after voicing the question. It came out bitter. She isn't. Or at least she shouldn't be._

"_Brooke-"_

_She doesn't look up._

"_My first book," He stops talking, uncertain of how to proceed. He wants to explain how the final version of the book was so different from the one he'd first written. How he had let it be edited so many times to turn it into a grand love story about him and Peyton because it was agreed by his editor, Phillip Jenkins, and the publishers that it would be more popular._

_Lucas has often wanted to apologize to Brooke for marginalizing his relationship with her in the book. Fiction had not allowed for two great loves in Lucas Scott's life. He's never apologized though because he's come to think that Brooke did not care what he had written in that last book. Until now, he's never been completely sure that she read the whole thing. The tone in her question shows Lucas that not only did Brooke read the book but she also cares._

_He wants to explain it all but has no idea where to begin. It's not just in his book that his relationship with Brooke has been wiped out. It's also in their collective memories. Her, him, Peyton, Nathan and Haley. None of them talk about it and there are no pictures which depict the couple as in love mounted on walls or framed on desks. It's not something that they all decided to do but that's the way it is. _

_Lucas has thought about it once or twice but figured it made things easier. The story of the girl who comes back from the big city to be the maid of honour for her high school best-friend is so much better if that same girl hadn't her heart broken by the golden couple that she is soon to stand up for._

_Brooke watches as Lucas struggles with his words and attempts to diffuse the tension slowly filing up the room like heavy smog making it difficult for both of them to talk, to breathe. "Your first book was great," she spits out. "Really great. And even if this book is different, I know that it will be equally amazing, if not better." She smiles. "I mean it."_

_He knows she does. But Lucas also knows she's trying to move past the awkward moment that they just experienced. He decides not to let her._

"_My first book was edited and re-edited so many times that a lot of important things got glossed over." He makes eye contact with her and holds it. "A lot of important people got glossed over." Not wanting to break the silent promise that they all made to not talk about his and Brooke's past, Lucas stops there._

_Brooke looks away and when she looks back, her eyes are shiny hazel. It's the shine of unshed, not fully formed tears and looking at her, Lucas knows that she understood what he was trying to say._

_Setting her coffee cup down, Brooke stretches her back out on Lucas' desk. "So what is different about this book? It's all about me?"_

_Lucas laughs. Brooke has always been good at making things light when situations get heavy. He looks at her stretched out on his desk and a sudden wave of desire hits him. He can't understand it and is stunned into silence._

_Brooke's tank top has ridden up and more of the pale skin of her stomach is showing. The tightness of the top and the way her arms are pushed behind her, hands flat on the desk, emphasize the braless breasts which are exposed through the thin cotton of the top and the winter cold._

_Shifting uncomfortably and swallowing hard, Lucas hopes that she does not notice. "It's completely fictional this time and a lot more theoretical. I look at different philosophers to try and examine what drives a human being from the light to the dark."_

_He is still not looking at her but he hears the deliberately loud yawn. Forgetting his moment of weakness, he looks at her, attempting to look offended. "I guess I better stop writing now."_

_She laughs and brings herself to an upright position. "You are a good writer Luke and I really do believe that whatever you write will be great. You're just talking to the wrong girl." _

_Something about her words bothers Lucas but he is not exactly sure what. "The wrong girl?"_

'_Yeah. You know that stuff is too deep for me. You need to talk to Peyton. She would understand." Brooke leaps off the desk and pats Lucas on the shoulder. "I should head to the store. I'll see you later."_

"_Yeah. Later," he echoes._

_Long after Brooke has left, Lucas remains seated. Fingers that were previously typing are holding his empty coffee cup, the other hand tracing its rim. The words 'the wrong girl' are still stuck in his mind but now he is beginning to figure out why they bother him. _

_They've been said so many times or alluded to by Brooke and everyone around him. Brooke has always been the wrong girl. Peyton has always been the right one. _

_He'd tried fighting against that concept before when he was trying to win over Brooke. He thought he had managed to convince Brooke and his friends and family that Brooke was the girl for him only to later have her break up with him and push him towards Peyton because she believed that Peyton was the one that he wanted next to him when all his dreams came true._

_Lucas had proved Brooke right by dating Peyton after their break up. And everyone agreed that him and Peyton were the perfect couple. They made perfect sense while he and Brooke never had._

_Being with Brooke had always been wrong and a bit dangerous. Drinking, tattoos, pregnancy scares. But just as Brooke could drive him a bit insane, she could also make his life make sense. She knew how to listen and most importantly how to return light to his darkness._

_He is about to marry Peyton, his soul-mate, the right girl. Why then is it easier to talk to Brooke about his writer's block? Why was it Brooke who he had been standing next to him two of the times that his dreams came true?_

_These questions continue to plague Lucas. Peyton comes home and Lucas still has not written anything. As he lays next to his fiancée later in the night, Lucas wonders what's wrong with him. Up until Brooke's arrival almost two months ago, he had barely thought of the brunette. Now he's thinking of their past and comparing her to Peyton._

_Him and Peyton have a good life and he loves her. They've been together for almost five years now and maybe that's the problem. Laying awake next to Peyton, Lucas realizes that perhaps he is a bit bored._

_Now that Peyton is with him she no longer seems to need saving. With Lucas she feels loved and safe._

_Any of the edge that she previously possessed is gone. Lucas had not noticed it before but with Brooke's presence, Peyton's calm is now more evident due to Brooke's ebullience. _

_Brooke has never been boring. The recklessness in her is alluring._

_Having figured out the answers to his silent questions, Lucas slips out of bed and heads to his office. He suddenly feels motivated to write. _

_Lucas loves that he can get lost in words. When he's writing, he finds it much easier not to think. As his fingers move quickly and effortlessly across the keyboard as if detached from his body and his mind, all thoughts of Brooke disappear. _

_Lucas does not realize, however, that his words are about Brooke. Just as thoughts of Brooke can cause writer's block, they can also inspire._

* * *

Lucas stares at his screen which his still blank, his fingers no longer even bothering to hover over the keyboard.

His recent memory still fresh in his mind, Lucas knows what he has to do. He needs to see Brooke.

Only by doing so can he clear the questions and memories floating through his mind. Only then will he be able to write.

Lucas shuts down the page and opens up 'Google.' He figures Brooke will not be hard to find. After all, how well can a famous fashion designer hide?

* * *

Song Credit: "Clarity" - John Mayer


	6. We Might As Well Be Strangers

**A/N**: Thanks for your wonderful reviews. Really. I think you might hate me a little bit after reading this chapter. And you might hate me more later. But this story was never going to be sunshine and roses.

I had said that BL flashbacks would be in order unless otherwise indicated. This flashback is not in order of the others. It is at the end of the flashbacks that have already hapenned and more that will come. It needed to happen here but I realize that this will just confuse more. I hope you all stay with me.

* * *

_I don't know your face no more  
Or feel your touch that I adore  
I don't know your face no more  
It's just a place I'm looking for  
We might as well be strangers in another town  
We might as well be living in a different world_

"Brooke?"

In the spacious office complete with a large mahogany desk in the middle of the room and a couch to the side, Brooke is sitting on the latter, her right hand moving across white paper. Her legs are stretched out the length of the couch and her head is bent down so she does not notice the owner of the voice enter the room until he speaks. Once he does, her head shoots up and her body follows.

"What are you doing here?" she demands. No pleasantries, no smile. She not only looks startled but she also looks unhappy.

"After three years, that's all you can say to me?" Lucas tries to smile but his lips are unable to curl fully up. It's been so long and the girl who some time ago he thought he possibly could not get any closer to now seems a stranger.

"I think we said everything we had to say to each other back then." Her voice is as cold as her eyes. Nothing about her voice or the way she is standing suggests that she is talking to the only boy she has ever given herself fully to.

Right then Lucas' heart breaks a little. Brooke's hair is a lot longer now, similar to the way it was when he started falling in love with her in high school: brown cascading waves with just a hint of red. She is also much smaller than he has ever seen her. Still she has not changed that much that anyone who knew her in Tree Hill would fail to recognize her. Standing in front of her, however, and really looking at her, that is exactly how Lucas feels: like he does not recognize her.

"What are you doing here Lucas?" Brooke repeats, her voice sounding even colder if that's possible. It's a mix of irritation, exasperation and worst of, detachment.

Confronted with this unfamiliar version of Brooke, Lucas has a hard time remembering what he came to see her for. "I needed to see you," he stammers. "I've seen you two times now without talking to you and it's been bothering me. I just needed to talk to you."

Brooke shakes her head and a smile adorns her face. There is no joy behind the smile which makes it appear mocking. "Three years and you still just think about yourself. Did it ever occur to you that I did not want to see you? That I purposefully did not talk to you those times I saw you?"

Her mocking smile and Lucas's mixed up emotions now that he is standing in a room with her stir up some anger in him. "Of course I knew you did not want to see me. But we are bound to run into each other again. I thought maybe we should clear the air, you know, get some closure." It sounds lame to his ears and Brooke's reaction confirms it.

She laughs. It is short and humourless. "Closure? After all this time you are here because you want closure? If you are still hung up on our past after all this time," she lifts a shoulder and shrugs. "Well I can't help you."

That sardonic smile is still on her face and Lucas feels the resurgence of hate. He wants to shake her out of her spiteful self-composure, shake her into a little over three years ago when her eyes had life and she smiled like she meant it. He looks at her but he does not do either. "You know what Brooke? You actually have helped."

"Great," she says. "Now you can leave and never contact me again."

Lucas rocks on the heels of his feet, eyes still on his former love. He is searching for a sign of the girl he used to know. Finding none, he turns on his heel and leaves.

Standing at the elevator, he can still picture Brooke. He muses to himself that that visit was as close to closure as he is going to get. He had been looking for something to let him move on. He hadn't known and even now he is not sure what exactly he had been looking for but he feels that he can now live a life not plagued with thoughts of Brooke. Because that girl, the Brooke Davis he used to love: she doesn't exist anymore.

* * *

"_I know you are hurting right now Brooke but the pain, it will dull over time." _

Rachel's uncharacteristic words had not meant much to Brooke at the time. She'd been mildly annoyed at the suggestion that she could forget, that it would hurt less. After all these years though, the pain has dulled.

A few moments after Lucas leaves, Brooke walks to her door and shuts it. She walks back to her couch and lays on it losing herself in its cushiony folds. She suddenly feels exhausted and wants to regain her strength before another one of her many meetings which is due to start in an hour.

Seeing Lucas the first time had been like tearing off the bandages on a cut that is still bleeding. Brooke had thought the pain would come spilling out and never stop. It was lessening though. Each day there was a little less pain, a little less need for the bandage; a little less need for her to shut off every single memory of Tree Hill.

Brooke has just seen Lucas up close and spoken to him and yet she is still breathing. She had been shocked and for a minute she had been sure she was going to faint but she had remained standing. It was proof of progress. She had not been sure what kind of emotional hell being close to Lucas would unleash. Brooke was relieved that she had not felt much. Even the view of a simple gold band on Lucas's forth finger hadn't made her feel anything other than a mild curiosity.

It does not matter to Brooke that what she considers emotional progress might be considered heartlessness. Brooke had been told before by many people that she had the biggest heart. None of those people, however, had been around to pick up the pieces when her heart shattered.

For the first time since Brooke had started giving a rat's ass about Lucas Scott, seeing him has brought forward no strong feelings. Brooke is relieved. Maybe that's what Lucas meant about closure. Maybe they finally found it.

Because talking to Lucas had been like talking to a stranger. Not once had she felt any of the emotions of their turbulent romance.

Covering herself with an afghan hidden discreetly behind the couch, Brooke decides to shut her eyes for a bit. Because maybe now that she has closure, she can close her eyes without worrying what dreams she might have, what memories might reappear.

* * *

"_I just saw Peyton." His eyes are a cloudy blue. _

_Lying in bed, Brooke brings herself upright and looks at the boy still lingering by the door. "Luke," she says weakly. She hasn't seen him since the accident but his voice and the way he is looking at her confuse her. She is not sure what she feels. She was so angry before but he looks a little broken and now she just feels lost._

"_How is she?" Her throat feels raw from so much crying. _

"_No change. She's still comatose." _

_Brooke bites her lip to try and control a tremble. The past two days have been the hardest of her life. Peyton's condition does not seem to be improving and she's grieving too, for other reasons which she has yet to disclose to anybody. Because now no one cares about her pain. Haley and Nathan can't look her in the eye._

_And Lucas. She refused to see him before, when it had been her lying in that hospital bed. But she's home and he is the only one looking her in the eye. It's from his look that she knows that it's over. It'd been over for her since she fell but from the way he is looking at her, Brooke knows that now it is over for him too._

"_How could you tell her Brooke?" Lucas asks. "I told you to wait."_

_His words confirm Brooke's thoughts. It's definitely over. He blames her._

_Brooke shakes her head unable to speak. She blames herself too but without even knowing it she'd been hoping that Lucas would see it differently._

"_Oh now you are silent?" Lucas asks scornfully. "Why could you not just have kept your mouth shut like I asked? You just had to have it your way and now because of you, Peyton..."_

"_Peyton is lying in a coma because of me." Brooke finishes what Lucas had been unable to. _

_Lucas meets Brooke's stare dead on and does not fight against her sentence. He is unrecognizable in his anger and right then Brooke is hit with so much hatred that it shocks her._

"_You can try and blame this on me Lucas but this is just as much your fault. It's kind of ironic really, that after all of your years saving Peyton, you were partly responsible for putting her in a coma. Some hero you turned out to be." Brooke watches the impact of her words and she can literally see Lucas snap._

_He takes a menacing step towards her bed and she shrinks back. "You and me, we are done," Lucas snarls. "I never want to see you again. Ever." The anger and hatred emanating from him are so strong that even after he slams the door shut they linger._

_Brooke looks at the shut door and wraps her arms around her stomach. She fights against the sobs threatening to wrack her body and brings herself up with some difficulty. Hobbling around due to the cast on her leg, she begins to pack. She is not sure where is she is going but she knows that she cannot stay here. In this house or in this town. _

_There is nothing left for her in Tree Hill. She's known that since the scandal broke but she'd toyed with the idea of staying for Peyton. But obviously her former best-friend would not want her by her bedside anymore. She knows her friends blame her for Peyton's current state but she blames Lucas for all of it. _

_For the 'accidents': hers and Peyton's. For what they did and how it has now ended. _

_Brooke passes a mirror and pauses at it. She is still a little bruised but she is healing. There are other wounds now, unforeseen to the naked eye which she isn't sure can ever heal. _

_Brooke brings her forefinger up to touch the bruised eye and sighs. The girl staring back is one she does not recognize. The image in the mirror confirms to Brooke that she must leave. It seems clear to her now that not only did Lucas cost her everyone she loved, he also just cost her herself. _

_Because Brooke does not know who she is anymore. And she hates Lucas for it._

_We might as well be strangers in another town  
We might as well be living in a another time  
We might as well  
We might as well  
We might as well be strangers  
Be strangers  
For all I know of you now  
For all I know of you now  
For all I know of you now  
For all I know_


	7. Daughters

_I know a girl  
She puts the color inside of my world  
But she's just like a maze  
Where all of the walls all continually change  
And I've done all I can  
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands  
Now I'm starting to see  
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me_

"_I can't believe it's almost March," Brooke says on one of their mornings. "Can you believe that I've been here for almost three months? And you are going to be married in about the same amount of time."_

_Lucas shakes his head. He can't believe either of the two. In some ways it seems longer since Brooke has been living with him and Peyton. These mornings that the two share, her presence in the house, it seems so natural and so right that Lucas has a hard time picturing a time when she wasn't there, when they barely spoke. His wedding is another thing he can't believe. It's strange that Brooke is supposed to be there to be helping with planning the wedding yet she has done little of it. Peyton is too busy to be of much help and Lucas, the less he sees of his fiancé and the more he sees of her best-friend, the more he gets mixed up about who he's marrying._

_Lucas knows it's not right; getting so involved with Brooke. But she's there and Peyton isn't. And her smiles light up dark winter mornings. And Lucas has never been good at doing the right thing. At pulling away when deep down he knows he should. He keeps telling himself that it is harmless, that they are just friends. Most of the time he believes it. _

_But there are other times, times like this: when Brooke mentions his wedding and he feels tense. Or like that day when Peyton stayed home to spend time with him and his first feeling was disappointment that he wouldn't have coffee with Brooke that morning._

_Lucas is good at hiding his doubts though and he is relaxed in the knowledge that neither Peyton nor Brooke suspect his treacherous thoughts. It seems that everyone but him has grown past love triangles._

"_So I'm having dinner with my Mom tonight," Brooke says breaking into Lucas' thoughts._

_Lucas immediately focuses on the brunette. "Oh." He senses that there is a purpose to Brooke telling him this though he is not sure what. Brooke has not mentioned her mother since moving here but one time he heard the tail end of a conversation between the two of them in which Brooke had declared that her mom could not control her and she was not moving back to New York anytime soon before hanging up the phone. When she had turned around and noticed Lucas, she had seemed almost embarrassed and had quickly smiled and focused the attention on Lucas. _

"_What are you and Peyton doing tonight?"_

"_Uhh," he's thrown off by the turn around in the conversation. "I'm not sure."_

"_Well if you are not busy maybe you could meet me later. I'm probably going to need a drink after dinner."_

"_Are things not going well with you two?" Lucas asks cautiously. He's come to realize even more in the past two months that the trick with Brooke is not to push, not to be too personal. Slowly by slowly she reveals a little bit more of herself. It's never direct, just little clues here and there. _

_Lucas Scott has always liked puzzles. Brooke by far is the most intriguing and the most difficult to figure out. He's starting to get the feeling that the Mom issue just might be a big clue._

_She shrugs. "You know Victoria."_

_Lucas nods. He doesn't know Brooke's mother, never met her. But he gets it; it's Brooke's way of dropping the subject. She's given enough pieces away today. "I'll ask Peyton. We'll meet you."_

"_Thanks," It's a whisper, a tacit admission that she needs him. _

_Lucas basks in it._

_Perhaps it is a result of how he grew up; a close knit relationship with a mother that made him more responsible than most children his age or perhaps it is just something innate. Whatever the reason, Lucas Scott needs to feel needed._

_He's never felt like Brooke needed him enough. _

* * *

_Girls become lovers who turn into mothers  
So mothers, be good to your daughters too_

_He's early. He had given himself extra time to get to the restaurant for he thought that he would be picking up Peyton from Tric before meeting up with Brooke. Peyton, however, just cancelled. The recording session with the new band is not going well. It seems that it has not been going well for months now but Peyton is sure that other than bad attitude, this band is destined for success. Lucas has been understanding of her late hours and often cancellations. Once in a while he wonders if he would be so understanding if Brooke wasn't around. _

_As soon as he walks into the fanciest restaurant in Tree Hill, he feels out of place. He contemplates going back outside to wait for Brooke but a table to the right of the entrance catches his attention. Seated across from each other are Brooke and a lady he guesses to be her mother. Brooke's mother has a tense face. Her lips are moving but her eyes are cold. Brooke is silent, upright and stiff with her hands placed demurely on her lap. From his stance at the door, Lucas can tell that a storm is brewing._

_Lucas is not conscious of his movements until he finds himself in front of their table. The two Davis' turn to face him at the same time. Lucas presents his hand to the older Davis. "You must be Mrs. Davis. I'm Lucas Scott, a friend of Brooke's. So nice..."_

_Victoria Davis turns to her daughter and sneers. "Oh! It all makes sense now. Why you insist on staying in this god forsaken town. It's for this boy."_

_Brooke's face turns crimson. "No Mom. This is Pey-"_

_Mrs. Davis is ostensibly not good at letting people finish their sentences. "You really are your father's daughter: willing to give up all your success for a piece of ass."_

_Lucas is embarrassed both by the choice of words and the suggestion. He steals a glance at Brooke but is unable to catch her eye. Her head is bent in shame and Lucas feels disturbed. He's never seen Brooke back down to anyone. _

_Mrs. Davis stands up. "I'm warning you Brooke. That store better start making a huge profit soon, otherwise I am going to go to the board and have you thrown out of the company for your bad judgement." She brushes past Lucas and walks away. Her perfume and hateful words hang in the air._

"_Well that's my Mom," Brooke says with a false brightness, bringing her head up but still not looking at Lucas. She grabs her wine glass and tips the content back into her mouth. "Sit," she commands. "I am about to get severely drunk and I can either do it alone which will make me feel worse about myself or you can join me and we can call it 'social drinking.'"_

_Lucas sits down. He'll have one drink and then he'll drive her home, he thinks._

* * *

_Two hours and countless bottles of wine later, they are both incredibly intoxicated and trying to walk back to their place due to their failure to get a taxi and their obvious inability to walk let alone drive._

"_My Mom's a bitch right." It's been Brooke's repeated mantra of the night._

"_Yes she is," Lucas answers faithfully as he pulls a staggering Brooke closer to him._

_Brooke stops. "I'm not a bitch though, am I?" _

_It's a new question, one that sounds more serious than the previous one and Lucas tries to focus on Brooke through the haze._

"_No. You are nothing like her." He means it and wishes he could convey it with the greatest authority but he's starting to sway and Brooke is getting fuzzier._

"_Well my grandmother was just like Victoria. And I'm kind of like her and I just don't want to be like her. Because I want to have kids and I want to make sure they are not going to turn out like me." Her words and slurred and Lucas tries to catch them. When he does, he's unsure of what to say. The sudden seriousness in a drunken Brooke is unexpected._

"_My kids are going to know how to love." She smiles dreamily. "Because I'll have shown them. And they'll know how to trust." _

_Lucas stares at her. She's a bit fuzzy but he can make out faint tears in her eyes. Her short hair which was previously pin straight has become tousled over the course of the evening. The cold has painted her cheeks a soft pink and her lips are parted slightly, as if she is about to say something else. And Lucas just stares._

"_What?" she asks and when he doesn't answer right away, she laughs. "Oh I'm rambling. Oops, sorry. I think I am a little bit drunk."_

_Brooke's words barely register as Lucas is caught up in his revelation. So much of Brooke's behaviour now makes sense: her constant insecurity, her bitchy facade, her inability to trust. Brooke is not like her Mom; she knows how to love. Because of her mom, however, Brooke has never been able to trust in that love._

"_Why did you break up with me in high school?"_

"_What?"_

_Lucas steps closer and repeats the question. _

_Brooke looks flustered. "What does it matter? That was years ago."_

"_Because you breaking up with me changed my life. Because if it hadn't been for you ending things with us and constantly pushing me towards Peyton, you and I would still be together. I need to know why you did it." There is a desperation in his voice that Brooke, even in her drunken state, is able to hear. It scares her._

_Her eyes are full of tears now. "Lucas. Stop it." And then she is walking quickly away._

_Lucas follows after a minute but remains a step behind. The fact that she didn't answer the question is proof enough for him that what he suspects is true: Brooke did not break up with him because she didn't love him; it was because she didn't trust him. That was a product of the way she grew up and then he had reinforced that trait in her by his friendship with Peyton. _

_He's drunk but he feels like this new information changes everything. It shouldn't. Like Brooke said, their reasons for breaking up shouldn't matter as it was years ago. But Lucas had never felt right about that breakup and now a question that had already been floating in his mind seems even bigger. What if he is making a mistake with Peyton?_

_He can't deny that he loves her. He knows her inside and out while he is still figuring out Brooke. Peyton loves him and needs him. He needs that. That has always been his biggest attraction to her. But now he's starting to see that Brooke might need him too. And maybe, just maybe, she might love him as well._

_He's drunk and he's not sure what will happen in the sober light of morning. There's a feeling though, within him, and in the space between him and Brooke, that suddenly everything has changed._

* * *

**Song Credit**: "Daughters" – John Mayer


	8. Degrees of Separation

**A/N**: I have had this chapter written for a while but never felt right about posting it. I'm still not in love with it but have come to the conclusion that I can't get around it.

* * *

It can't be. These words; his research: it can't be true. Brooke Davis cannot possibly be married to Lindsey's boss and Lucas's current project. People cannot possibly be so interconnected. The world cannot be that small.

But it is. Lucas knows this, deep down he knows it. But he's been looking at these papers for so long that he's lost track of time and he still does not believe it.

The roller coaster that his life has become has just looped him in for an incredibly dizzy turn.

It's been a few days since he's seen Brooke and those days have been good. Lindsey is still slightly frazzled but because he is more at peace now, he is able to calm her down instead of needing her to do that for him. He's begun to think that seeing Brooke was truly closure. Because the thought of her does not send him into spiralling memories. Now all he can remember is the girl in the penthouse office. He does not know that girl. Memories are no longer haunting.

The last few days have been good. Today, however, has just taken a turn for the worst.

His part-time job has just decided to throw him for a loop. A few hours ago, Lucas had not realized what he was agreeing to. Now that the research is in front of him, Lucas wishes that for once in his professional life he'd had the nerve to say 'No.'"

"_Another mediocre column and you won't be writing for this newspaper anymore."_

_Lucas is not sure what to make of the warning. It's been a slow month, what can he do about it? Apparently celebrities are less likely to misbehave in the fall after too much summer fun. Besides there is a financial crisis and an election looming, no one really cares what Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are up to in New York. _

_His boss admits Lucas has a point and he is relieved. But the golden rule of journalism is that there is always a story. So Doug Owens, Lucas's boss, current editor of The Weekender and aspiring media conglomerate owner has decided to shake things up. _

"_From now on, you won't be writing a weekly column. We are going to change your column into a monthly thing. That means every month, we expect something big, more of a research piece than 'Seen and Heard.' You are going to research and write a feature article on a high profile name."_

_Lucas is uncomfortable with the idea. It sounds like more work and besides, does the paper not already have a section like that?_

"_No," Owens snarls when Lucas asks. "This will be different. It has to be current, more juicy. You can't just dig up some things about the person's past. We want secrets that are happening that month and you will be able to get them the same way you got the weekly stuff: mingling with your subjects."_

_Lucas looks up at Doug Owen's red face which is shiny from energy exerted through yelling. He does not think his boss is asking for his opinion and he therefore nods in acquiescence._

_Owens flashes teeth that are blinding from whitening. "Great. Your first subject: Rafael Jimenez."_

"_Jimenez," Lucas repeats. He knows that name._

_Owens smiles condescendingly. "That's right boy, you know that name."_

_Lucas knows he does but he can't place it under Owen's smile and penetrating gaze._

"_Your wife's new boss." Owens thunders. "I gotta tell you boy, this is gonna be a good one. That man has more skeletons than a cemetery. And more money than a bank." He shakes his head. "Just thinks that he can buy whatever he wants, never mind that some Americans were actually looking at buying the publishing house that he purchased. No, he just comes in with his foreign money-"_

_Lucas is staring at Owens, shocked by his rant. This assignment, he realizes, is personal for his boss. Had he been trying to acquire Lindsey's company but got beat by Rafael Jimenez? Lucas allows a sly smile to light his lips. This assignment suddenly seems a lot more exciting. If it's personal, Lucas can only imagine how grateful his boss will be when he delivers a solid piece. Perhaps he can help Lucas with his book. Fix up those parts that Lucas is still struggling with. Before Lucas would not have had the nerve to ask but maybe after..._

"_I'm on it," Lucas stands up. "I'll get started right away and I'll have the article to you by the end of the month."_

_Owens flashes his teeth again but this time the gesture seems more genuine. "The deadline is October 25__th__. Make me proud Scott."_

* * *

It can't be. But yet it is. Lucas Scott has moved cities, cut ties with many, and yet degrees of separation have tangled him back with Brooke Davis.

Apparently there is no such thing as closure.

* * *

"They're beautiful." Brooke says. She is looking down at a pair of emerald earrings that her husband has just handed to her.

"I was hoping you could wear them tonight."

Brooke fights against the sigh wanting to escape from her mouth. "Another party?" Her tone is carefully light betraying none of the lack of enthusiasm that she is feeling.

"Yes. It's a gala dinner actually, a fundraiser being held by Bloomberg and some rapper, Jay something, to benefit New York's inner city schools. I need to make an appearance to prove that as a new owner of a big New York company that I care about this country's poor too."

Brooke nods her head in understanding and smiles. She understands Rafael's reasoning, being all too familiar with his takeovers and his preoccupation with appearances. 'At least this party will be for a good cause,' she thinks. "I would love to wear them tonight."

Rafael grins and Brooke finds herself smiling back. Her husband is in a good mood and she loves his grin. It is so rare and so genuine that whenever she sees it, Brooke can't help but feel infected by it.

It's not just the rarity of it. It's how he looks when he grins: boyish and vulnerable. It's one reason that he never grins. Because he believes he cannot afford anyone to see him like that.

Rafael Jimenez in some ways is a lot like Brooke Davis.

"Business must be going well," Brooke comments.

Rafael nods. "I've made some changes at 'Paper Cuts' and I like the way the company is starting to look. I think I can really turn things around. You know start publishing some books that intelligent people will actually read not just whatever will sell for a week before crashing down after everyone realizes its crap."

For a brief moment Brooke's mind flashes to Lucas as she considers Rafael's words and what this will mean for Lucas. She then remembers their meeting a few days earlier and focuses on her husband once more. "I'm glad things are going well." She's being sincere but she sounds a little distracted.

Rafael is apt to knowing when people are not fully paying attention to him. It is one of his business skills and one that comes in handy in his personal relationships as well. He is in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt but pauses and walks over to the armour where Brooke is sitting. Kneeling down in front of her, he takes her hands in his.

"What's going on beautiful? You've been acting strange since we moved here. I thought you loved New York."

Brooke shakes her head. "I do," she replies quickly. "This city just brings up some bad memories." Immediately the words are out Brooke knows she has said the wrong thing. The last thing that she needs is to arouse Rafael's curiousity about her past again.

Brown, almost black eyes, stare at her and Brooke tries not to flinch under the intensity of his gaze. She knows though that Rafael can smell fear (another business skill) and if she balks the interrogation could lead to the opening of Pandora's Box.

She'd kept it simple when they met. Omitted some parts while embellishing others. Lucas, the past that has come back to haunt her, was her biggest omission. Even after everything that has happened with Lucas, Brooke will not do that to him. She's never mentioned Lucas to Rafael and that part of her past is something that Brooke plans to take to the grave.

"Hey," Rafael says softly. "I know what it's like to go back to a place where you left with nothing. But nobody remembers what happened with your company back then. It's ancient history. All that matters now is that you are back on top."

When Rafael is like this with Brooke, so understanding and so gentle, Brooke feels something stirring in her that she finds slightly disconcerting. She knows he loves her but when he shows it, really shows it, it warms her and scares her at the same time.

Brooke's had a rough few weeks and she's thought that he did not have the time to notice. His words have just proven her wrong and she finds that she's missed him, she's needed a friend.

She moves to the end of her seat and locks her arms around the nape of his neck. "Thanks." It's a rare word from her to him since she often begrudges his overtures. But she's not thanking him for something he's paid for and that makes all the difference with her.

Rafael is clearly surprised by her sudden gratitude as well but he accepts it anyway. "Hey, I'm here now. I told you that once we moved here I'd be around a lot more often."

Brooke remembers. At the time he'd told her she hadn't been sure if that was a good thing but now looking into his dark eyes looking into her own with all the compassion of a concerned and loving husband, Brooke thinks that maybe New York will do her and Rafael good. She tugs his head towards her and kisses him. He reciprocates the kiss, deepening it while lifting himself up and taking her with him.

It's passionate and electric as always but Brooke feels different. Later while she is brushing her hair while Rafael continues the shower that she insisted that she must abandon to start getting ready for the party, Brooke realizes what was different about the sex this time. It was the first time since she started sleeping with him that it didn't feel like he was trying to possess her every being.

Brooke looks into the mirror and notices the faint remnants of a smile.

Maybe there is something such as closure after all.

* * *

_We figure out the past through photographs  
They took while we were young  
Even though there's no way out, we'll find one  
We're the love-struck ones  
The degrees of separation close in  
Look who just walked in_

* * *

**Song Credit**: "Degrees of Separation" – Badly Drawn Boy


	9. Closer

**A/N**: I told you I would update soon. OTHfan326, I know this isn't quite the confrontation that you were looking for but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless.

* * *

_Look who just walked in_

He still has not told Lindsey. They are at a New York inner city school fundraiser which she invited him to and he accepted somewhat hesitatingly. But he didn't tell her. Not of the assignment involving her boss nor of the fact that her boss is his ex-girl-friend's husband.

It is because of this lack of honesty that Lindsey is still smiling radiantly when Brooke Davis and Rafael Jimenez walk into the hotel lobby where the Gala Dinner is being held. It is because of this that she is still smiling as she makes eye contact with her boss and he begins heading towards her and Lucas, taking the hand of his wife and pulling her along.

If Lindsey knew of the relationship between Lucas and Brooke, of Lucas' new assignment, then she might notice the look of pure panic on her husband's face. She might also notice that this look is matched by Rafael Jimenez's wife. She doesn't know though so she doesn't notice and by the time Rafael and Brooke reach her, Brooke is the picture of calm perfection even though Lucas still looks a little bit shaky.

"Mr. Jimenez," Lindsey greets.

Shaking his head and smiling charmingly, he says "Please. Call me Rafael Lindsey."

Lucas' heart is pounding and his eyes switch from Lindsey's boss to Lindsey purposely avoiding Brooke.

He is not sure why he is caught so off guard. This is something that he should have expected but he hadn't really thought that he would be faced with Brooke and Rafael at the same time. It was naive and now he sees that. When it comes to Brooke, he should have known that it was impossible to escape an awkward moment with her.

Rafael is different than Lucas had expected. In the pictures that Lucas has of him and from the brief glance he had of him at the Vogue Party, he had looked cold and foreboding. In the flesh, however, he appears more affable and even Lucas has to admit, strikingly handsome.

"Okay Rafael," Lindsey says in a girly voice and Lucas realizes that she's nervous just by being in the presence of her powerful and enigmatic new employer.

It is then that Lucas feels vindicated in not telling Lindsey about everything. She is already on edge about her job, the last thing that she needs is added complications.

"This is my husband Lucas Scott," Lindsey continues. "Lucas, this is the new owner of 'Paper Cuts'.

Rafael stretches out a hand and Lucas is forced out of his thoughts and back into the reality of the situation.

"Nice to meet you," Lucas manages to mutter under Rafael's tight grip and appraising look.

"Pleasure's all mine. "Shine Your Light" was a great book and I would just like to say, that should you come out with something like that again, I would certainly be glad if you continued to have a relationship with us."

"Thanks."

A brief silence follows as Lucas tries to figure out what to say. He knows that Rafael has just thrown a huge crumb in Lindsey's direction. Lindsey was the one that brought Lucas to 'Paper Cuts' and appreciation of Lucas' work is also a compliment for Lindsey. This would be the chance to elevate Lindsey even further by continuing the positive conversation but Lucas is struck dumb. He's never had a problem schmoozing before but even as Rafael compliments him, Lucas feels threatened. Lindsey is clearly still nervous and Brooke who has yet to be introduced to anyone, stands still as a snowman by Rafael's side. During the brief silence it is only Rafael who looks at ease.

It is also he who breaks the silence. "Oh I'm sorry, Lucas and Lindsey, this is my wife, Brooke Davis."

For the first time since she has walked in, Lucas looks at Brooke, having no other choice but to do so.

Lips painted a deep red open up to reveal a wide smile as she shakes Lindsey's hand.

Lucas tries not to stare but when she brings her eyes to his and their hands touch, he can't help it. As their eyes lock, a charge of electricity seems to go through them and Brooke drops his hand as if it actually burned.

And right there, everything changes. Brooke does not meet his eyes again. She says "Nice to meet you both" but she is looking at Lindsey.

Her smile is still on but Lucas can now see it as a mask. She isn't the girl he saw weeks earlier; she felt something, when they touched, she felt something.

Lucas moves his eyes between her, Lindsey and Rafael so as to not give him or her away as he listens to her accept Lindsey's compliments about her designs. His focus, however, is just on her. Her voice, her eyes and when she excuses herself, he knows he didn't imagine the moment between them.

He waits for a few minutes. Lindsey is growing less shy and actually managing to engage her boss and when they veer off into a conversation about business management and 'Paper Cuts', Lucas also excuses himself and heads to the direction where he thought he saw Brooke heading.

* * *

_So, we're alone again _

_I wish it were over _

_We seem to never end _

_Only get closer _

_To the point where I can take no more_

He finds her in a room at the very end of the long corridor that leads to an exit from the hotel lobby. It is a closet really, where the hotel stores cleaning supplies and Lucas guesses that she like him must have tried every other door before discovering this as the only open one.

Hunched against the wall, she straightens up when he enters. Closing the door behind him, he wanders a little farther into the small closet and leans against the wall across from her.

Neither of them says a word. What can you say when you have said goodbye so many times?

The room is dark except a small glimmer of light coming from the space between the door and the ground. In this dark and silent room, the space is small but Lucas and Brooke are separated by more than physical distance, there is the space of time, hurt and anger and oh so many mistakes.

In the dark of this room, their moment in the hotel lobby seems far away.

Brooke keeps her held high and her gaze is focused on the spot above Lucas' short tousled hair. She refuses to be the first to speak. She is aware that she broke downstairs. As soon as their hands had touched she's panicked. She'd felt something, she wasn't sure what but it had been like fire. She had panicked because she wasn't supposed to feel anything for Lucas Scott anymore. She has been burned too many times.

"Why did you pretend you didn't know me?" Lucas asks in the darkness. It seems a good starting point as any. After all, the reason they are in this closet, away from their respective spouses, is because they were unable to hide their past as well as they thought.

"Why did you go along with it?" Brooke is not going to make this easy.

Lucas runs a hand through his locks. "I haven't told Lindsey about you," he admits.

Brooke's lets out a low chuckle in the dark and Lucas doesn't need to see her to know that the expression on her face would be as humourless. "You think after more than three years we would both have learned not to lie."

Lucas doesn't like the implication in Brooke's words. That after all this time, he hasn't changed. "I know you still hate me for everything that happened back in Tree Hill but I am a different person Brooke. I have a good life now."

The casual mention of the incidents of Tree Hill causes Brooke to snap. "Don't talk to me about that," she snarls.

"We can't keep pretending like that didn't happen. For God's Sake Brooke, your husband is my wife's boss. Once again, you and I are tied, whether we want it or not. And how long do you think this act of yours is going to last? If you want anyone to buy that you don't know me, then we need to have it all out here and now. I know you felt something Brooke, when I touched you, I saw it. I felt it."

Brooke is quiet as she considers Lucas' words. Here when he can't see her, she forces herself to consider the truth in his statements. She admits to herself that she felt something but laying everything out in the open would make her feel much more. She's not sure that she could put on her masks after that.

"You want to lay it out all in the open? When we touched, what I felt was revulsion." Brooke thinks that she sounds convincingly cold and cruel. Perhaps this will end whatever misconceptions Lucas is starting to develop.

But Lucas has been fooled too often by her masks, this time he'll draw her out from under them, no matter what it takes. "You are lying." He takes a step closer to her.

Brooke tries not to flinch back into the wall. "I mean it Lucas."

Lucas notices that she sounds angry now. Before she just sounded cold. Already this interaction is so much different than the one in her office. He can't really see her face but it's in her voice and her stance; Lucas recognizes this girl.

"You are lying Brooke," he repeats. "It's been more than three years. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours." He's so close now that when Brooke exhales, her breath hits his face. It stirs something in him which he quickly pushes away; he isn't about to let some sexual arousal derail the progress he is making with Brooke.

"Lucas stop it," she's pleading and it sounds like the night when they got drunk and he raised the issue of their breakup. He hadn't remembered much about that night but the way she had looked and sounded when he had confronted her about what had happened in senior year stayed with him.

Hearing her sound the same way now is proof for Lucas that she's breaking.

"That day when I came to see you, after Peyton's accident-" Before Lucas can even finish his words, Brooke has reached out and pushed him so hard that he staggers back.

"I told you. I don't want to talk about that." Her voice is uneven and though Lucas is still reeling from the push, he can hear her unravelling.

"I need to talk to you about that day. You have to hear how sorry I am about what I said to you-" Lucas pushes on keeping his eyes on Brooke's silhouette in case she tries to bolt.

She does but Lucas is standing in front of her before she can even make it two steps to the door. When he reaches out to grab her, she pushes him again. This time he's prepared, however, and though he moves slightly away, he keeps his hold on her.

"I need to tell you-"

"Stop It!" Brooke interrupts in a strangled sob. "I don't want to hear your stupid apology. You are years too late."

"Brooke-"

It's too late. The pipes have burst and Brooke continues yelling unabated. "You ruined my life Lucas. You ruined me! And now you want to say you are sorry. Where were you when I lost my company? Where were you when I lost everything?"

Lucas has lost his hold on her but he is still close enough to see the outline of her features in the dim light and the tears falling down her face.

_The clouds in your eyes _

_Down your face they pour _

_Won't you be the new one burn to shine _

_I take the blue ones every time _

_Walk me down your broken line _

_All you have to do is cry_

Lucas has always hated to see Brooke cry but at the same time, he's always loved her the most intensely during times like these: when she is completely vulnerable.

It's as if three years have not passed because suddenly Lucas feels that overpowering love take over him, like he would lay down his life for this girl. It's an overwhelming feeling and Lucas realizes he hasn't felt a feeling so strong since the night he and Brooke ended back in Tree Hill. Back then he'd been sure the feeling was hate. Right now he's not sure what the feeling is. He can't possibly hate this girl in front of him but the alternative is unfathomable. It's been years and he's married now. He's happy.

Lucas takes Brooke in his arms and tries to soothe her. She resists for a while, pushing him while shaking and whispering 'I hate you' but eventually she seems to lose all energy and lets him embrace her as her tears wet his suit jacket.

As Lucas rubs Brooke's back in a circular motion which he hopes will be comforting, he knows that him and Brooke are far from over. He has a feeling that he just made Brooke face something she has been unwilling to face for years and though he is unsure of what the repercussions are going to be, he knows that after tonight, Brooke can no longer pretend that she feels nothing. As for him, he knows that with Brooke's breakdown, he has just been pulled deep into her world. There's no escaping memories and feelings now.

_Photographs and brightly colored paper _

_Are your mask you wear in this caper _

_That is our life _

_We walk right into the strife _

_And a tear from your eye brings me home_

* * *

**Song Credit**: "Closer" – Joshua Radin


	10. 9 Crimes

**A/N**: Happy Holidays! I have to say that I am so grateful for the reviews for the last chapter. I don't do this often but I have to send some shoutouts, because it's the holidays I guess and because I am back deep into this story, so thanks to all of you for your encouragement.

**OTHfan326**: I love love how detailed you are in your reviews. And I can't promise that it will be a happy ending but I can promise some happiness to come.

**Jill Cohen**: to quote one of my favourite bands, "sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost." I hope you can be patient, I have never wanted to reveal everything all at once. For me the fun is in the back and forth, the piecing together through flashbacks.

**JackieQ**: Thanks for taking the time to review. I know the reviews aren't many but whenever I get a review like yours, it makes it all worthwhile. Really, thanks!

**Psiek**: Welcome! I hope you keep reading and liking.

* * *

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I do_

_It's the wrong kind of place _

_To be thinking of you_

_----_

_For Brooke, things start to seem different the night after her and Lucas' drunken night out. Her first thought when she wakes up is 'Thank God I'm alone.' She can't even begin to think of the repercussions had her and Lucas taken things too far, like she'd been tempted to so many times but that she may have been drunk and sad enough to do it. It was the way he had been looking at her when he brought up their break up in high school that had probably helped in a big way to prevent anything foolish from happening. He was looking at her like he saw her, all of her. It made her want to jump into his arms and kiss him but the other part of her brain told her to run. She listened to the latter._

_Despite her sensibility that night and her attempt to pretend everything is as it was before, things feel different. She knows it and Lucas knows it. She knows deep down that she has been harbouring feelings for Lucas since her return, since always, but it had been much easier to ignore those feelings while she was planning his and Peyton's wedding , the girl who was his soul-mate, the girl who made it impossible for him to look at her other than a good friend._

_These days, however, since that night, he is looking at her like she is much more than that. And she's looking back. _

_She has convinced herself that it is just harmless flirtatiousness. Nothing has or will happen. But flirting with him makes her feel young again. It brings out that cheeky vivaciousness she had in high school before all the drama and the heartbreak and before her company's success and the associated stress. _

_He and Peyton will always be in love with one another. And she will never get in the way of their true love. It is because she is secure in this knowledge that Brooke allows herself to keep spending so much time with Lucas while Peyton is in the studio and on her trip to New York. It is dangerous for her already fragile heart, this she is aware of, but she accepts this danger as the price for feeling alive._

_The past weekend could have potentially been the most awkward with Peyton away and her and Lucas alone in the house. Brooke tries to keep it friendly, however, by inviting Haley, Nathan, Skillz, Mouth and Millicent for dinner and games one night and taking Jamie to the park and having him spend the next night. During all those activities, however, Lucas has been by her side and Brooke struggles against the feeling that this was how it was meant to be; her and Lucas living a life together surrounded by their loved ones. The thought that the only thing that makes the picture incomplete is her missing curly haired best-friend immediately reminds Brooke of why the picture isn't right. It is not her and Lucas' life that she is currently living; it is a borrowed one from a girl who just happens to be away._

_On Sunday morning, Brooke wakes up with a sadness looming over her. When she comes downstairs and sees Peyton standing in the kitchen, she knows why. She feels guilty. It is harder to ignore this feeling when Peyton is around._

"_Hey Blondie," Brooke greets her best-friend with a hug. "How was your trip to New York?"_

_The response from Peyton is a tightening of the hug and when Brooke pulls away, she realizes that Peyton looks ready to cry. _

"_Hey, what's wrong?"_

_Peyton's only answer is a sniffle so Brooke takes her hand and leads her to the couch in the living room. Once they are seated, she says gently, "Talk to me P. Sawyer, what's going on?"_

"_I messed up Brooke." _

_Brooke scoots over to her best-friend and takes her hands in hers. "What happened in New York, you know whatever it is you can tell me. We can fix it." She guesses Peyton's state means that she was not successful in acquiring the band that she had gone all the way to New York to see and as she comforts her friend, she tries to think of contacts that she has in New York that can help her._

_Peyton looks at Brooke and seems to be debating something with herself. Finally she breaks the gaze and looks down at her and Brooke's entwined hands. "I slept with Jake," the words rush out. It has always been her way of breaking bad news to Brooke, like she did when she told Brooke about her feelings for Lucas in senior year. And like back then, Brooke reacts to the news by looking confused. She knows what she's heard but she can't believe it, doesn't want to believe it. Peyton couldn't possibly cheat on Lucas, could she? He's the love of her life._

_When Brooke does not respond immediately, Peyton starts speaking. "I know you are wondering how I could do this to Lucas and I keep asking myself the same thing but it was Jake and it just happened-"_

"_Wait, slow down Peyton," Brooke interrupts. "How did you end up even seeing Jake in the first place? You didn't go down there for him did you?"_

_Peyton shakes her head furiously so that her curls swing from side to side. "No, I went to see that band like I told you and was shocked when their opening act was none other than Jake Jagleksi."_

"_Jake is a rock star now? Wow, I did not see that coming." _

_A smile graces Peyton's tear streaked face. "Yeah, he's really good too." Her voice is a bit dreamy and seeming to realize it, she looks back at Brooke then quickly away. "Anyway I was really excited to see him of course and I had a million questions. So after his act, we hung out and watched the band and then all of us went for drinks after the show. It was really good hanging out with the band and the fact that I knew Jake probably helped me sign them."_

"_Congratulations Peyton," Brooke says because she knows how much the deal means to Peyton but her enthusiasm is dimmed by what she has just learned and she waits to hear how Peyton could possibly cheat on her soul mate. _

"_The next night me and Jake went to dinner to catch up," Peyton continues. "And it just felt so good to be with him again and he invited me back to his place so that I could see Jenny but then we found that Jenny had left a note saying she was sleeping at her friend's place..."_

_Brooke is still at a loss of what to say so she strokes Peyton's hand and remains silent._

"_I shouldn't have stayed," Peyton whispers. "Even then I knew I shouldn't stay."_

_Brooke has always tried to be understanding with Peyton but the confession has touched a nerve in her. Having given up her happiness for her friend, she can't believe that Peyton would just throw it all away. "Why did you stay then Peyton? How could you do this?"_

_Peyton looks at Brooke surprised and fresh tears well up in her eyes. "I don't know. I guess I just got caught up in the memories. Sometimes I think about how me and Jake would still be together if I hadn't said Lucas' name when I went to see him in Savannah in high school and lately I have just felt so disconnected from Lucas." She pauses. "And I'm not trying to make excuses, I know that I can't, but me and Lucas have grown so far apart in the past few months and I know part of it is my fault for working too much but it's him too, I can feel him pulling away and when I was in New York, I just felt so close to Jake that I let myself get lost in that."_

_Brooke looks at Peyton and feels like the girl in front of her hasn't changed. Even now when Peyton has what she always wanted, she still manages to play the victim. She has not said it explicitly but Brooke knows what she is hinting at, since Brooke has been around, her and Lucas have been drifting apart. It is therefore not completely her fault that she cheated on Lucas just like it was not her fault that she told Brooke she had feelings for her boyfriend back in high school. Peyton, just like then, still does what she wants with the only thought her happiness in mind. All her life Brooke has watched Peyton destroy those around her and still come out looking the wounded and she's just done it again. Brooke has no doubt that Peyton has just left Jake broken hearted again for Lucas and yet she is here in front of Brooke acting like the aggrieved party. _

"_Are you going to tell Lucas?" Brooke asks even though she suspects the answer._

"_No!" Peyton answers quickly. "This would destroy him. You won't tell him either?"_

"_Of course not." Brooke thinks that Lucas deserves to know. She knows if she were in Peyton's situation she would either tell him or break things off with him. Because she would want him to know exactly who he was marrying before he went through with his vows. But she's not Peyton and she knows that despite her own opinion, she will keep quiet. Peyton, in spite of how angry and confused Brooke feels right now, is still her best-friend. And it's not her secret to tell._

"_I just think that we need some time to re-connect and grow close again."_

_And there it is, still unspoken but a clear hint. Brooke swallows her betrayal and takes up Peyton on her quiet suggestion. "Maybe I should move out so that you and Lucas have some time to yourselves in the next few months before the wedding."_

"_Are you sure?" Peyton asks like any good friend would. Brooke can hear her heart's not it._

_Brooke smiles brightly. "Absolutely." Her heart's not in it either. She's going to miss this house and she knows that despite her anger at what Peyton's done, her friend does have a point. Lucas seeming distant probably does have a little to do with Brooke's presence in the house. But moving out feels like yet another sacrifice for Peyton and this time, with this new knowledge of what Peyton has done, Brooke isn't sure Peyton deserves it._

* * *

"_So you are really leaving?" Lucas says coming into Brooke's room._

_It's only been a day after Peyton's return but Brooke has already packed up her things and is almost ready to go. She is sitting on her bed putting the last of her designs into her bag and as she nods without looking up. "Yeah, just waiting for my cab."_

_Lucas sits down next to her. "Were you even going to say goodbye?" He sounds hurt and Brooke's breath hitches in her throat both from his tone and from his nearness beside her._

"_It's not like I'm leaving town. I'll still be around," she says lightly._

"_Yeah but it will be different."_

_Brooke bites her lip. "Yeah."_

_They are both silent, filled with thoughts and feelings that they know they can't voice, know that they should not be feeling._

_Lucas reaches out and takes Brooke's hand which is resting on the mattress. Brooke looks at down at his hand on hers and then at him and when she does, she feels the earth shift. Looking back on this moment, she will never remember who made the first move, all she can remember is his lips on hers and her kissing him back with all the pent up passion of five years._

_Brooke thinks of Peyton and tries pushing Lucas away but while her hands are pushing, his lips stay on hers and she doesn't move away. He pushes her back but gently on to the bed and his hands are suddenly slipping under her sweater. His hands are freezing on her hot skin and she gasps. Breaking away from her, he looks at her with hazy blue eyes, "Are you okay?" _

_The sudden loss of contact feels like losing a part of herself and she quickly nods and pulls him back to her. He comes willingly and this time when his hand slip under her sweater, she welcomes it and kisses him harder. _

_His hands, her mouth: it is too fast and sloppy but Brooke doesn't care, doesn't have the patience to go slow. It is over quickly and when he collapses on top of her, reality sets in. _

_Her eyes widen and she pushes him off her. Sitting up, she wraps the sheet around her. _

"_Can you leave please?" she says to Lucas._

_He stares at her. "Brooke-"_

"_You need to go. Peyton's going to be here soon." She isn't sure that is true but she knows that is the only way to get him moving._

_Lucas dresses and makes his way to the door. He pauses, however, and turns to look at Brooke._

_She is hugging her knees, her head hung low and he guesses that she hates herself for this. _

_Once Lucas leaves, Brooke starts crying. She feels cheap, dirty. She's just done something that she swore she would never do. The worst part, however, is that despite everything, it felt so good._

_Outside Brooke's room Lucas leans against the door where he can hear Brooke's muffled sobs. He wishes he could comfort her but knows that there is no way she would let him now. Besides he has no idea what he could say. He hates himself a little bit too but there is another part of him that feels right._

_He knows that he has just made a mess of things. He has a fiancée and he just cheated on her with her best-friend in the home that he and her made. He's not this guy, swore he would never be that guy again but it's Brooke and it happened and he has no excuse, no explanation._

_---_

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I do_

_It's the wrong kind of place_

_To be cheating on you_

_It's the wrong time_

_She's pulling me through_

_It's a small crime_

_And I got no excuse_

* * *

**Song Credit**: "9 Crimes" – Damien Rice


	11. I Feel It All

**A/N**: Happy New Year! I know it's not the chapter that you were waiting for but I promise that a chapter in the present will be up soon.

I love Jeyton and I know a lot of you do too. I just wanted to pre-warn you that I won't be focusing a lot on their relationship. That's because this is strictly a BL story and I will only be writing other characters/couples as they affect BL. Nonetheless I hope you enjoy.

Many Thanks for the Reviews.

* * *

_I feel it all_

_I feel it all_

_The wings are wide the wings are wide_

_Wild card inside wild card inside_

_----_

_It's been a bad day. Two days after sleeping with Lucas, she hasn't heard from him, not that she had been expecting to, but still… She has not heard from Peyton either and that's almost a relief. It means that Lucas hasn't told her and it also means that Brooke does not have to face her guilt full on. When she is away from both of them, from the house where it happened, she can almost pretend it did not happen. Almost._

_But then there are times like this. It's coming down hard outside and the power has already been defeated by the winds. And Brooke has always loved the rain but tonight it only makes her feel lonely. She is in her store where she was trying to do the finishing touches for her grand opening in a couple of weeks. She headed there after yet another fight with Victoria. Her mother says the store opening is long overdue, that she needs to prove that her time in Tree Hill has actually been about work and not Lucas Scott. She's making threats again and Brooke feels angry. For the past couple of days Brooke's emotions have mostly been guilt, confusion and for a few fleeting moment, happiness. Anger is good though, it serves as a motivator and Brooke finds herself at the store working. But there is no power now, it is just her, a few candles and a bottle of wine from the cases of wine her assistant Millicent has already brought over for the opening. _

_In the half-finished store with the only sound the rain hitting the pavement, Brooke's anger switches from her Mom to Lucas, for coming to see her before she left, for kissing her, for every time he broke her heart and then she gets angry at herself, at Peyton. Now though, the rain is still coming down and the lights are still out, and she just feels alone._

_And then there he is. Knocking at her door, face pressed to the glass. _

_She lets him in wordlessly and they both stand at the entrance, facing each other as water drips from his whole body._

_Moving away from him without a word, she goes into the back and comes back with a discarded fabric which she hands him and he dries himself with. He is still standing at the entrance and Brooke eyes him warily. Finally she speaks._

"_You shouldn't be here."_

"_I know." He shakes his head and some of the water from his hair hits her in the face._

"_Hey!" she shrieks. _

_Lucas laughs. "I walk all the way here in a raging storm for you and you are worried about a couple drops of water?"_

_The intensity is broken and Brooke smiles even as she mumbles. "Well no one asked you to." Among all the conflicted feelings running through her right now, she's glad to see him. Since she's been back in Tree Hill, she hasn't gone a day without spending time with him and she realizes that she's missed him even after a two day absence only. It's a scary thought so she pushes it quickly aside._

"_How about you welcome me in? Offer me some wine and be grateful that I am here to protect you from the big bad storm?"_

_She scoffs, "Protect me? You know I love the rain."_

"_I know" He smiles nostalgically and she knows he is afflicted by the same memory as her. "But I am here now."_

_She should push him out, insist that he return home where he belongs but he's there and she doesn't feel lonely anymore. She heads to the back again and this time returns with a coffee mug which she uses to serve him wine. _

"_Thank you," he says when she hands it to him and they both know it is more than for the wine._

_

* * *

_

_They've been talking for two hours. It's been light, easy and comfortable. They have yet to bring up Peyton or the night that they shared. Brooke is so good at pretending and Lucas for her sake has learned to play along. _

_They are sitting on the only couch in the store; a plush red loveseat. Brooke has her feet tucked underneath her, head resting against the pillow and Lucas is sitting beside her, his body turned towards her._

"_I can't believe it still hasn't let up," Lucas comments._

_Brooke sighs contentedly, her eyes closed. "I love nights like these."_

_Lucas reaches out and strokes the side of Brooke's face. He has a strong urge to say 'I love you' but he swallows it._

_Brooke opens her eyes but Lucas leaves his hand on her face and meets her eyes._

"_I missed you pretty girl," he says softly. He keeps his eyes on Brooke and waits for her to admonish him or to pull away but she sits up instead and scoots closer to him. Not breaking eye contact, she brings her face closer and brushes her lips against his briefly. Lucas closes his eyes and tries to think of Peyton, tries to conjure up the strength to move away from the brunette. Brooke brings her lips to him once more but this time lets them linger and the last of his self control leaves Lucas. _

_It's slower this time. Longer, more gentle and when it's over, Lucas wraps his arms around Brooke and she lets him._

_They don't speak and Lucas falls asleep soon after. Brooke watches him and thinks this time it's all on her. Her who let him in, her who kissed him and when Lucas leaves to go back to Peyton, only herself to blame for her broken heart. She should know better, should have learned by now but he had said that he missed her and she let herself carried away by his words, his eyes and the joy of feeling wanted, loved._

_Lucas stirs and pulls Brooke closer to him. She obliges and wills herself to fall asleep, to enjoy this moment while it lasts. Because when the rain stops and they wake up and Lucas leaves, she'll feel lonely again, even more so than before, for loneliness is that much more acute when you have had a recent taste of happiness. _

_---_

_Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart_

_I'll be the one to hold the gun_

* * *

_I love you more_

_I love you more_

_I don't know what I knew before_

_But now I know I wanna win the war_

_---_

_It happens many more times before her opening but they don't talk about it. Lucas will come over to Brooke's apartment or to her store and they will hang out as if it's the most normal thing in the world; as if they are the ones in a relationship, not him and Peyton. Brooke does not ask about Peyton and Lucas does not mention her. Their time together is just about them but separately they both continue to have a relationship with the blond. The three of them have yet to be in the same room since Brooke moved out and though neither of them acknowledges it, Lucas and Brooke are both going to great lengths to prevent this. _

_Tonight, however, Peyton, Lucas, Brooke and all of their friends are in Brooke's store for its Tree Hill opening. The opening is the most exciting thing to happen to Tree Hill in a while and as Brooke works the room, she is met with continuous praise by new and old fans of her designs. Brooke is floating high but the night keeps her busy and beyond brief greetings, she barely has time to spend with her friends. As the night nears its end, only Haley, Nathan, Lucas, Peyton, Mouth and Millicent remain and Brooke beams at her friends as they toast to her success._

"_Speech!" Mouth yells and everyone else joins in the demand. _

_Brooke acquiesces and stands up to address her friends. "I would just like to say right now that I am so happy at the way tonight has gone and thanks to all of you for your help in making tonight such a success. Especially Millie who is the best assistant any girl could possibly ask for."_

_Everyone cheers and Millicent blushes. "Brooke, you forgot to thank someone."_

_Brooke raises an eyebrow in question._

"_Lucas," Millicent says as if it's obvious. "Without his help the past couple of weeks we wouldn't have been able to get everything ready in time."_

"_Oh, of course!" Brooke exclaims. "Thanks to Lucas too." She looks at Lucas who does his best to smile but he is obviously uncomfortable. A quick sneak peek at Peyton confirms Brooke's fears; Peyton looks angry and it is obvious that she did not know. Luckily no one else seems to notice the awkwardness and conversation continues on as normal. _

_Slowly by slowly everyone leaves until Peyton and Lucas are the only ones left. _

"_Well thanks for coming," Brooke says, a clear hint that they should leave too. The last thing she wants is to have a confrontation with Peyton after such a happy night._

_Peyton, however, is not to be put off easily. "How come you didn't tell me Lucas has been helping you?"_

_Brooke looks at Peyton and feels jumbled emotions again. She feels guilty and she feels sorry for Peyton. Having spent so much time in her relationship with Lucas feeling jealous of the time he spent with Peyton, she understands all too well how Peyton is feeling. A small part of Brooke also feels vindicated. Because when Brooke was feeling insecure, Peyton repeatedly told her to trust her, only in the end to reveal that she had kissed Lucas once more and that she wanted him back. _

"_It didn't come up," Brooke says with a shrug. "I've been busy and everyone has been helping me so much, I really didn't even think about it"_

_Peyton looks at Lucas. "Why didn't you tell me?"_

"_You weren't around. I don't get what the big deal is. Brooke is my friend and she is your best-friend."_

_Peyton looks down and Brooke can tell she feels embarrassed and foolish for making a big deal out of seemingly nothing and Brooke feels guilty again and angry. At herself for doing to Peyton what she hated her for doing to her and at Lucas for his indecisiveness yet again. _

"_It's late Peyton, maybe we should go. I'm sure Brooke is tired." Lucas says without looking at the brunette._

_Peyton shakes her head. "You go. I'll meet up with you later."_

_Lucas lingers a second then walks out._

"_I'm sorry," Peyton says once Lucas is gone. "It's just that this distance with me and Lucas hasn't really gotten any better."_

_Brooke bites her lip._

"_I'm a mess Brooke. I need you."_

_As always when it comes to Peyton, Brooke immediately puts aside her own confused feelings and moves closer to her friend putting a comforting arm around her._

"_I slept with Jake again," Peyton confesses. "He is here. He said that he's going to fight for me this time."_

_Brooke opens and closes her mouth in shock. "What about Lucas?"_

"_I don't know. I love Lucas, you know I do, it's just that now there is Jake and I'm so confused."_

_Peyton is despondent and Brooke's remaining anger towards the blond diminishes. It's a pity, she thinks, that Peyton and Lucas never shared the same clarity on who they loved that her and Jake shared. Brooke knows even without talking to or seeing Jake that he has been in love with Peyton all this time, just like she has been with Lucas. It's a pity because if Peyton and Lucas did not flip flop back and forth maybe then they would not be repeating triangles and rectangles from high school, living lies which will only end up in broken hearts._

"_I don't know what to do Brooke. Maybe I am just projecting but I feel like Lucas is keeping something from me."_

"_Like what?"_

_Peyton moves away from Brooke's arm so that she can face her full on. "If you knew something, you would tell me, right?"_

"_Of course." Brooke lies and feels like she has just put the final nail in the coffin of her and Peyton's relationship. She suddenly has a feeling that none of them will survive this; her, Jake, Peyton or Lucas. She's never heard of a happily ever after that started with an affair._

_---_

_The truth lies_

_The truth lied_

_And lies divide_

_Lies divide_

_

* * *

_

**Song Credit**: "I Feel It All" - Feist


	12. How My Heart Behaves

**A/N**: I am so excited to hear from new reviewers and see that there are still people getting into this story. I have to warn you that I might not update for a while. My life is about to get really crazy but please do not mistake my potential absence as a lack of love for this story or for those who like it. I am still all about this story and your reviews are serious motivation so I hope to keep updating regularly but wanted to let you know of the chance that I might not.

* * *

"We should get back." Her crying has subsided now and she is sitting on his suit jacket on the floor next to him. "I'm sure they are wondering where we are."

"Yeah," he agrees.

"I will be okay," she answers his unspoken question.

"Brooke, we still have to talk about this. It's not over."

She nods, effectively admitting to herself and him what they've both been trying to deny. "I know."

Lucas stands up, helping her up afterwards. "Meet me tomorrow. At Cool Beans, 1 o'clock."

She hesitates.

"Brooke."

"Okay." She's come undone in front of him. There is no more hiding, no more pretending.

"Can you go first? Tell them that I'm not feeling well and you put me in a cab?"

"Won't your-" He can't bring himself to say husband. "Won't Rafael be worried?"

She hands him his jacket. "He's distracted. It's a big night for him."

Lines crease Lucas' forehead but he does not say anything. After all that he's done, he's not really in a position to place judgement on how Rafael treats his wife. "Tomorrow, 1 pm," he reminds her on his way out.

"I'll be there."

* * *

_What grew and inside who?_

_First so simple was the vow_

_Then the chorus sang about_

_Your shoulder_

_The mooring for me_

_Like water lost in the sea_

Lindsey is giddy. She's had a few glasses of wine and combined with the success of the evening, she is floating on cloud nine. "I'm so happy," she says to Lucas gliding towards him on the bed.

Lucas is working on undoing his tie and smiles absently at her. He's glad to see his wife so relaxed after the stress of the last month but he can't concentrate on the woman in front of him.

"I just really misunderstood Rafael. His intelligence is the only scary thing about him; he's so nice Lucas."

Lucas nods. Rafael did seem nice but there is something about the man that does not sit right with him. There is more to him than meets the eye, Lucas is sure of this, and with his research for his boss, he is determined to find out what it is.

But Lindsey looks so happy that he cannot bring himself to tell her about his new assignment.

Lindsey seems to notice his lack of focus on her and straddling him helps him with his tie. "You know as much as I gush about Rafael, that you, Lucas Scott, are the only man that I want. The only one that I love."

Lucas does not doubt her. His wife has never been nothing but honest with him. From that first time that he woke up with her by his side, he knew she was exactly what he needed. She's beautiful, uncomplicated and she loves him. Back then her calm and steadiness had been his biggest lure but Lucas looks at her now and feels antsy. Her happiness reminds him of Brooke's sadness and he feels guilty. Just then, he thinks that he's ruined. He is never happy when he should be.

"I love you," he says and the words sound hollow. He remembers then what Brooke had told him at Haley and Nathan's second wedding, that it wasn't about what he said, it was how he showed it. "You know that right? That I love you?"

"What's wrong Lucas?"

Lucas shakes his head. "Nothing." He kisses her on her forehead. "I better get ready for bed. I have a lot to do tomorrow."

"Work?"

"Yeah," It slips out easily and it's not a complete lie. As Lindsey kisses him and whispers in his ear her understanding, it occurs to him that this is how it started with Peyton, lies he justified as half-truths and therefore permissible.

Brushing his teeth, Lucas concludes his heart is damaged in more ways than one. He has never let Lindsey all the way in. Trust has always been the biggest issue in his relationships but Lindsey loves and trusts him completely. He wonders if that would change if she knew all of him.

_The cold heart will burst_

_If mistrusted first_

_And a calm heart will break_

_When given a shake_

* * *

She's late. Lucas alternates between looking at his watch and at the door. Each time the hand on the clock moves past the 12 indicating another minute has passed and each time the door opens to reveal someone who is not Brooke, Lucas' heart sinks. Still he holds on to the hope that it is just Brooke being Brooke; perpetually, unapologetically late.

At 1:26, he tells himself that he will only wait until 1:30. He is still there at 1:42, however, his coffee cup empty and crumbs the only remainder of his raspberry muffin. He's starting to feel pathetic now and decides to bring out his laptop to at least make himself appear busy. As his head is bent down into his bag trying to remove his computer, she walks in and when he brings himself up, she is standing right in front of him and he almost drops his laptop.

She smiles a little then. "What? You didn't think I would show?"

He smiles too. "I'm still here." And then he adds, softly, "I'm glad you came."

She doesn't say anything but sits down instead.

A waitress appears and she orders a coffee, black and Lucas tries not to stare. It feels surreal to be sitting across from her, seeing her doing something as banal as ordering a coffee. Her drink of choice is a change from the sweet espresso drinks that she used to order in the past and Lucas wonders what other little things are different about her. Even now, more than three years later, he still wants to know everything there is to know about Brooke Davis.

Brooke's coffee arrives and Lucas watches her take a sip and close her eyes in satisfaction as the liquid makes its way down her throat.

"You're staring."

Lucas looks away quickly embarrassed. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Brooke says. "This is weird."

Lucas smiles slightly, appreciating her honesty. "Yeah. But good weird."

Brooke raises an eyebrow.

"I don't know. I guess I am realizing that I missed you and this is nice, you know, no tears, no yelling. Just you and me."

"Lucas-"

"I know there is a lot we have to work through. I'm just not sure where to start," he admits.

Like Lucas, Brooke appreciates the honesty. It's such a refreshing change from her life for as long as she can remember that she lets herself go with it.

"Your wife, Lindsey, she is your editor from back when we were still-" She pauses. She was about to say when they were still together but that seems an inappropriate word. To refer to their affair as if it was a relationship, as if he wasn't with Peyton for its duration. Still that's what it felt like at the time so she continues, "together?"

Lucas nods. "But you have to know that nothing happened between me and Lindsey until months after you had left, after Peyton had already woken up."

The right corner of Brooke's mouth lifts upwards. "I believe you. I mean, I think three women at the same time would be even too much for you to handle."

Lucas frowns deeply. "Brooke." He looks wounded.

"Sorry, bad joke." She was kidding really but given this is the first time they have had a civil conversation in ages, she figures it is no wonder that he does not laugh.

He looks intensely at her and says, "I need you to know." But then he stops, unsure that he is ready to put himself out there like that and whether she is ready to hear it.

Brooke is unsure too but quickly surmises that this is why she is here. To try to heal and truly move on and it can't happen until they both say everything they need to say. "Please Lucas, whatever you need to say, I probably need to hear it."

"I loved you."

Brooke flinches back into her seat. She hadn't been expecting the words and the raw honesty in the way Lucas is looking at her.

"When we were together, I loved you, more than I thought was possible. And I loved you even after everything I said to you, even after you left, I loved you."

Moisture rapidly gathers into Brooke's eyes and she brings a hand up to wipe the tears which are teetering on her lower eyelashes. The tears fall anyway and Lucas takes the hand that is still on the table. When she looks at him then, she feels like she could forgive anything. His blue eyes are misty too and she recognizes the regret in them.

Brooke shakes her head then runs a hand through her hair. "This is all a little too much for me."

Lucas nods. "I know. I'm sorry… for all of it."

The apology as she said before is overdue but hearing him saying it, seated across from her, looking like he is about to start crying any minute, makes it seem different and she accepts it.

The waitress begins to head to their table then quickly pivots and leaves them alone.

Brooke notices and looks around nervously. "This is probably not a good place to be doing this. Someone might recognize us."

Lucas quickly removes his hand from hers then realizing what he's just done thinks that this is wrong. He doesn't want to keep secrets anymore but even as he's thinking this he knows that he will not tell Lindsey yet. Because that might mean he won't get to see Brooke again and he's not ready for that. There are still issues left to get through. "Right. Maybe we can meet again, somewhere more private." Seeing the shocked look on Brooke's face, he quickly clarifies, "Just to talk. I haven't said everything I need to say and you haven't said much at all."

Brooke nods slowly. "Fine. One more time then that's it. You and me, we are both married now, and you know we can never be friends."

Lucas has to agree. In all the years he's known her, he's never been able to be just friends with Brooke Davis.

* * *

He's back at home with Lindsey and he's thinking about his meeting with Brooke and of the next time that they have arranged to meet.

When Lindsey kisses him, he kisses her back but his mind stays on Brooke. How she'd looked when he told her that he'd loved her. It was obvious that all this time she hadn't believed that. It's been bothering him since the coffee shop, that even when they were together, she did not know how much he loved her.

Lucas is not good with hearts. He's broken each one he's ever had; his, Peyton's and Brooke's. He doesn't want to add his perfect wife to that list. But he's kissing Lindsey and thinking of Brooke. He's never happy when he should be. His heart is clearly damaged in more ways than one but he hopes that it will just take one more meeting with Brooke to heal his heart completely. To help him not break another heart. His again or Lindsey's.

_A cold heart will burst  
If mistrusted first  
And a calm heart will break  
When given a shake  
The cold heart will burst  
If mistrusted first  
And a calm heart will break  
When given a shake_

* * *

**Song Credit:** "How My Heart Behaves" - Feist


	13. Acid Tongue

**A/N:** I apologize for the long absense and for this really long chapter. The first one was beyond my control. The second one, you can tell me your dislike of, by clicking the review button :)

Oh and flashbacks are all over the place in this chapter but I think the time frame of when they happen is pretty clear. Hopefully.

* * *

_I went to a cobbler_

_To fix a hole in my shoe_

_He took one look at my face and said_

"_I can fix that hole in you''_

_I beg your pardon_

_I'm not looking for a cure_

_I've seen enough from my friends_

_In the depths of the Godsick blues_

"How did you meet Rafael?" Lucas asks and Brooke tries to keep the cup steady in the saucer she's holding.

It's the first thing he's asked in this quaint old fashioned hotel room where they are drinking tea on two chairs opposite each other. One last meeting to give them that feeling they've heard referred to as closure. They've agreed to ask anything and everything and to answer each inquisition honestly but the first thing out of Lucas' mouth jars Brooke and she thinks that this was a stupid, stupid idea.

* * *

"_Well if it isn't the saddest girl story."_

_Brooke is heavily impaired like she has been since she got to France and some of her drink sloshes out of her cup as she spins to face the man addressing her._

_She's struck immediately by how handsome he is but even in her drunken stupor, there is something unnerving about the way he is looking at her. Like he knows her. _

_He doesn't, he answers when she asks. "But I've heard about you. And I think I might be the one to save you." _

_Tears spring to Brooke's eyes and she pushes past the handsome stranger quickly. His choice of words and the way he is looking at her are too much for her to take. The only other man who had promised to save her has ruined her life and the words are just a reminder of how she ended up in Paris, getting fucked up every night, until she can't remember her own name let alone Lucas Scott. _

_The fact that tears are streaming down her face lets her know she is still too sober and walking up to Rachel she grabs the redhead's hand and drags her to the bathroom. Rachel takes one look at Brooke and without saying anything, takes a vial out of her bra and hands it to the brunette. After Brooke takes a hit, Rachel follows. _

"_What happened?" Rachel asks._

_Brooke lowers her head down to the white powder again. Coming up, she wipes her nose and her eyes. "Some guy in there set me off."_

"_That man you were talking to? That's Rafael Jiminez. He owns half of Paris and this is his house. What did he say?_

_Brooke shakes her head. "I don't want to think anymore," she says and closes her eyes leaning back against the mirror._

_Brooke can feel Rachel's concerned eyes on her but she ignores it. She knows that Rachel is a little fucked up too but she's used to this life. It's a bit of a model cliché but this is how things work for the rich and famous in Paris. _

_Rafael walks in and Rachel eyes him with half glazed eyes. He looks from the cocaine to Brooke to Rachel but he hardly looks surprised. He's used to this life too._

_Brooke opens her eyes then and they seem dead. When they meet Rafael's she comes alive a little bit. Even high as a kite, she can sense the intrigue in him. His words from a few minutes ago come back to her and she smiles a little bit. "I am not looking to be saved." _

_She slithers away then, her feet unsteady in her heels, and Rachel follows. _

_------_

_You know I'm a liar_

_You know I'm a liar_

_Nobody helps a liar_

_

* * *

_'_Cause I've been down to Dixie_

_And dropped acid on my tongue_

_Tripped upon the land 'til enough was enough_

"We sort of hung out in the same circles, in Paris." She tries to say it nonchalantly.

Lucas squints his baby blues at her. "Paris?"

Brooke nods. "Yeah. That's where I ended up after I left." Lucas still looks perplexed so she continues. "Rachel was there."

It makes sense to Lucas then and his face relaxes. There had always been a bond between the brunette and the redhead that he had never quite been able to understand. "How is Rachel? I can't even think of the last time I saw her."

A genuine faces lights up Brooke's face. "She's good." Now that she's clean, she's healthy and happy. But Brooke does not say the last part to Lucas because then she would have to really explain life in Paris and she'd much rather not.

There is a silence as Brooke thinks back to Paris and Lucas ponders the next question to ask. There is so much he's wanted to hear from Brooke but now that they are in the same room, he feels at a loss of what to ask, what really matters, what will give him peace of finality. Because now that he's in the same room again with Brooke and neither of them breaking, for now that almost seems enough.

Lucas doesn't get a chance to finish thinking of something to ask because then Brooke turns to him and asks, "Are you happy?"

Lucas thinks of Lindsey, her gentle smile and soft grace. "Yeah I am."

A brief smile flits across Brooke's face. It's different than the one she wore previously, it's genuine too but it's unreadable and Lucas can't figure out what the meaning behind it is. "I'm glad Lucas, really. And before you ask, yes I'm happy too."

A corner of Lucas' mouth tilts upwards and he briefly thinks that he should just let her statement pass but his mouth is ahead of his brain. "Then what was that about in the closet at the party?"

The effect of his words is immediate and Brooke stiffens.

"I'm sorry."

Brooke sets her tea cup down and shakes her head. "No, it's a fair question. This is it right? The tell-all, end-all for you and me." That smile is on her face again and Lucas can't read her.

"Yeah," Lucas says and he's suddenly not sure he's ready for what she has to say.

"It was hard-" Brooke begins then correcting herself, continues. "It _is _hard to see you."

Lucas swallows heavily. Vulnerability from Brooke has always had a way of getting to him. "It's hard for me too."

The truth hangs in between them, and instead of setting them free like the old adage says, it ties them back closer together.

Brooke takes this silence to study Lucas. There are circles around his eyes now, lines that weren't there when she first spotted him at the party at Stella Ward's house; lines that deepen each time she sees him. Even though she already believed him, his face serves as more proof that he too has been suffering since she reappeared in his life. And her walls crack a little bit more.

"You said," she starts and stops.

Her hesitancy prods Lucas into alertness. "Yeah," he encourages her to continue.

"You said," Her vulnerability is loud in her small voice. "You said that you loved me back then, even after everything. Did you mean it?"

Lucas gapes at the woman sitting across from him. It is unfathomable to him that after everything that him and her went through that Brooke still is not sure that his feelings for her were real. As he's trying to figure out how to answer her question in a new way that she will believe, it dawns on him that it's because of everything that they have been through that she never believed him. "God Brooke," he sighs into his hand and moves to the edge of his chair. "Didn't you feel it?"

Brooke nods and looks away. "Yeah," she says in a hoarse whisper. "Even knowing it was wrong what we were doing to Peyton," She lifts a shoulder "I was happy then."

_We built ourselves a fire_

_We built ourselves a fire_

_

* * *

_"_When are you going to tell her?" Her back is away from him and she shakes off his hand when he tries to turn her towards him._

"_I promised you that I would tell her and I will. It's just not a good time right now. With her real Dad coming to Tree Hill and everything else that is going on with her record company, she's in a bad place."_

_Brooke lets out an exasperated sigh. "I get that Lucas but this isn't a secret I can keep any longer." She sounds near tears and Lucas walks around her so that he can see her._

"_Why now? Why are you pushing so hard now?"_

_Brooke lowers her head and wraps her arms around her stomach. "I just," she bites her lip. "I just can't," she says and walks out of the room. _

_Lucas hesitates then follows her. "Brooke," he calls out as she walks down his hallway. He catches up with her at the stairs and grabs her hard to get her to stop._

_Brooke struggles to get away and as she does, he lets her go and unprepared, she falls backward and is tumbling down the stairs before either of them can process what's happening._

_--_

_You know I am a liar_

_You know I am a liar_

_And you don't know what I've done_

* * *

Lucas, remembering that conversation, says "I should have told Peyton."

Brooke shivers and her eyes cloud over significantly more. "Why didn't you?"

It's obvious to Lucas then that Brooke has never forgiven him for not telling Peyton and for how he treated her after she had told her. Now years later, he still can't think of a reason that will sound good enough as to why he wanted to wait to tell Peyton the truth about him and Brooke, so he decides to go with the truth. "I was worried about Peyton's mental state, that wasn't an excuse but I was also scared of losing you.

"What?"

"I could feel you pulling away Brooke and I thought you would use the fallout from telling Peyton to pull away from me," Lucas explains.

Brooke laughs humourlessly in disbelief. While Lucas thought that was pulling away, she was desperately trying to hold on. It's just like the senior year misunderstanding which led to years apart only to have history repeat itself again. "What is wrong with us Lucas?" she asks. "How could we claim to love each other only to always hurt each other? I wasn't trying to push you away, I was holding on for dear life."

Brooke's words remind him of a different time, a different heartbreak but basically the same story line and he doesn't have an answer to Brooke's question.

They both sit there then, in silence, mourning what could have been. Lucas thinks of his life with Lindsey and it seems a bit of a sham now. How can he claim she has his heart when there is so much to his life she doesn't know, so much of his heart that he's kept from himself and from her. "So what now?"

"We leave this room and our past behind in it." Brooke answers firmly.

"That's it?"

It's yet another forced ending but Brooke can't think of an alternative and she knows Lucas can't offer one. It has always been harder to be in Lucas' life than outside it. Ever since going back to Tree Hill and started things back up with Lucas, Brooke's life has been a roller coaster with only the past year since Rafael entered her life, things stabilizing.

She stands up bringing her bag up with her. "Yeah, I think we can both agree this is best."

Lucas is not convinced but he stands up as well. Brooke is already at the door when Lucas calls her name. "You're okay?"

She smiles tiredly and shrugs. He still wants to play protector, she can tell, but it isn't his place anymore, never really was. "Bye Lucas."

_And by the rolling river_

_Is exactly where I was_

_There was no snake or cure for unlucky in love_

_To be lonely is a habit _

_Like smoking or taking drugs_

_And I've quit them both_

_But man, was it rough_

"Brooke, wait," Lucas calls out and there is an urgency in his voice that makes Brooke remove her hand from the door handle.

When he gets to her, he hesitates only a second before slowly pulling Brooke towards him. Once Brooke is against his chest, he wraps his arms around her and without consciously meaning to, she sinks into his embrace.

They stay in each other's arms, for longer than appropriate for ex-lovers who never quite got goodbye right, hearts beating loudly at the reunion. They tell themselves that this is it, this is the kind of ending that they have never had but always needed: cordial, final, closure. Lucas ignores that it feels more like the lighting of a fire, a new beginning. Brooke ignores that elusive feeling of warmth and security that flares up within her while she is in Lucas' arms.

Later they will both look back to this embrace as an ending and a beginning but for now they just enjoy feeling whole and alive.

_And now I'm tired_

_It just made me tired_

_Let's build ourselves a fire_

_Let's build ourselves a fire_


	14. Chicago

Lucas is on edge. Feels uneasy in this house which used to feel like home, with this woman whom he calls wife; he feels a stranger. It's been gradual, this feeling rising up in him, but now it's in his throat, choking him, suffocating him, making him want to run. He thought he would be back to normal after saying goodbye to Brooke and it's been more than a month since he's seen her but he's researching her husband and she's still in his system. And he's on edge.

Lindsey is busy at work and he still hasn't told her about his assignment on her boss or his other connection to Rafael Jimenez. The secret seems to grow larger every day and Lucas can feel himself repeating all his mistakes.

It's a Thursday and Lindsey is at work. Lucas wakes up to 'Chicago' and has a hard time figuring out where he is. He hasn't listened to Sufjan Stevens since him and Peyton ended.

* * *

_I fell in love again_

_All things go, all things go_

_Drove to Chicago_

_All things know, all things know_

_----_

"_Remember when we saw him in New York?" Peyton asks, coming into her and Lucas's office. "That is one of my favourite memories with you. I remember you kissing my neck when he sang 'The One I Love' and I knew that I would never love anyone more than I loved you."_

_Lucas shuts close his laptop and tries to focus on Peyton. He's been staring at a blank screen for an hour, unable to type and he struggles to wipe the haze from his eyes. _

"_What's going on Peyton?" She looks dishevelled and her eyes are a bright red. _

_She wraps her hoodie tighter around her and wipes her nose with her sleeve. "I'm a mess Lucas. We're a mess."_

_Lucas stays silent. He's concerned for Peyton but Peyton has been a mess for a while now and his mind is on Brooke. Brooke in the hospital, Brooke who won't let him see her. _

"_I saw Brooke," Peyton says and Lucas feels his heart stop. _

"_She knows," he thinks and somehow between the panic, there is a bit of relief too._

"_She's going to be okay, it's just a few bruises and a broken leg." _

"_Right," Lucas agrees, confused. "That's good."_

_Peyton seems to be contemplating something for a few minutes during which Lucas doesn't bother to fill the silence. Finally she says, "you know how you are always saving me, why didn't you ever save Brooke."_

_It's been years since Brooke posed a similar question to him and Lucas is thrown off by Peyton asking him the same thing now so he says the first thing that comes to his mind. "I'm not sure Brooke needs to be saved by me."_

_Peyton bursts into short laughter that ends with something more akin to a sob. She gets up and leans over Lucas, her hair touching his face as she hovers over him. _

"_Peyton," Lucas knows something is wrong, can feel it in the space between him and her, but his thoughts are all out of order and she's kissing him. He pulls away and she doesn't seem all that surprised, just lost, in a way she hasn't looked since she's loved him. It's a look from when she was seventeen, when his love hadn't reached her yet and she seemed damaged and reckless. "Peyton," he repeats. "Have you been drinking?"_

_She moves away from him, her fingers brushing tears away. "I've got to go."_

_Lucas yells her name again and she stops at the door. _

"_I'm sorry Luke," she says. "I made a lot of mistakes." _

_Before Lucas can respond, she's gone. 'Chicago' keeps playing in the background and Lucas isn't sure Peyton was really talking to him or simply repeating the words of the song. _

_In the following weeks, after everything is revealed, he figures it was both. Him and Peyton have always communicated through music, being tied together by it._

_When he's visiting her in the hospital, her limp hand in his, their last encounter rewinds, with 'Chicago' as the theme song on repeat. _

_

* * *

__We sold our clothes to the state_

_I don't mind, I don't mind_

_I made a lot of mistakes_

_In my mind, In my mind_

_----_

He steps out of the shower and there is still an off feeling within him. His thoughts are still with Tree Hill, Peyton and Brooke. The phone rings and he ambles towards it, picking it up without looking at the caller id.

"Hello-"

There seems to be a delay in the phone as no one answers so he repeats his greeting. There is still a silence and he moves the phone from his ear to look at the number on the display. It is an out of New York number and he tries to rack his brain who would be calling him from a zip code he doesn't recognize.

"Lucas?"

He still hasn't figured out where the number is from but as the voice says "Hello" again he doesn't have to and he brings his phone back up to his ear in disbelief.

"Peyton?"

"Luke, hi," she says and she sounds so different, yet the same.

He tells her that and hears her chuckle, a light hearted soft laugh that he doesn't associate with her.

"Well it has been a long time. You must be wondering why I'm calling and how I got your number."

"A little yeah," he agrees. "I mean it's good to hear your voice but it's just weird timing. I woke up thinking about you."

He can almost her hear her hesitate before she says, "Well I've always said we are connected."

She sounds more like old Peyton again but after all the time that has passed, Lucas isn't sure what to make of her comment.

"Oh now I've gone and made things weird," Peyton drawls into the phone, amusement evident in her tone. "Don't worry I am not calling to profess my love for you and try to win you back. I'm calling about Brooke."

The former would have been more probable to Lucas and it is a full 30 seconds before he is able to breathe out, "What about Brooke?"

"Jenny found a picture of the two of you sitting at what looked like a coffee shop on this gossip magazine online. She recognized Brooke, I guess from an old picture she saw of me and her."

"Jenny? You and Jake got back together?" Lucas interrupts.

"Oh- I thought Haley or Nathan would have mentioned it."

"No," Lucas says slowly, his mind still trying to wrap around the fact that Peyton had gone back to Jake after waking up. It bothers him a little, maybe because it is unexpected, like her confession of her affair with him when she woke up from her coma. Or maybe it's because she managed to make something good out of her mistake while his seemed to destroy lives. He decides it's a bit of both. "They don't tell me anything about you. I guess they think it would be too hard."

"Yeah I asked them not to tell me anything about you too. But when Jenny showed me that picture, it really bothered me. I thought that I had moved on from everything that happened with you, me and Brooke but when I saw that picture, I felt like I was back there again."

Lucas nods. "Yeah I know what you mean." It's the same way he felt when he saw Brooke. It's a little bit how he feels now, talking to Peyton for the first time since she woke up.

"Well I did a lot of soul searching after seeing that picture and I realized that I was okay. With you and Brooke being together I mean. And I don't know, I wanted to call and tell you that because knowing you and Brooke, I figured that you were carrying a lot of guilt."

She's right about the guilt but wrong about everything else and he rushes to clarify. "I'm not with Brooke. I'm married Peyton."

She sighs deeply into the phone. "Yeah that's what Haley said. She also said that as far as she knew you hadn't seen Brooke since Tree Hill."

"Peyton," It's his turn to sigh. "It's not what you think. Me and Brooke-"

"Are friends? It's complicated? Have you told your wife?"

Lucas can hear the judgement in Peyton's questions and suddenly feels angry. "I haven't talked to you in three years Peyton and you are calling to talk to me about my marriage?"

There is a silence for a minute and then a soft voice. "You are right. I shouldn't have called."

"Peyton," Lucas can tell she's disappointed.

"No, you are right. This was highly inappropriate. But really, what are you doing Luke?"

Before he can answer, he hears a man's voice yelling for Peyton on her end.

"That's Jake. I have to go," Peyton says. "Sorry I called." And then she hangs up.

"Me too," he says to the dead connection, feeling irritable and on the defence. He's mad at Peyton for insinuating he was cheating again when nothing could be further from the truth but then he wonders how many people saw that picture of him and Brooke and he hates himself a little bit.

Lindsey comes home and finds him sitting at the living room table, various memorabilia from the past that he had kept hidden away spread out in front of him.

She takes a look at the forlorn expression on his face and then at the table. "What's going on Lucas?" There is a sense of panic in her voice.

"I think we need to talk Lindsey." He gestures to the chair across from him and tries to smile so as not to scare her.

It fails and she approaches him carefully. As she nears the table, she sees a picture of him and Brooke at him and his Uncle's failed wedding. She picks it up and as recognition enters her light blue eyes, they move from the picture to him in shock.

"That's Brooke Davis? Why do you have a picture of you and her from when you were young?" Her voice is nearing hysterical and they both know that she knows the answer.

Right that second Lucas hates himself even more. He knows he just broke another heart. All he can do is repeat, "I'm sorry."

There are many reasons that he can give for not telling her but he knows he was wrong not to. Knows that this will make her question their relationship, his love for her and for Brooke. So he apologizes some more and says, "I made a lot of mistakes."

It's not an excuse, it's the truth. But she's shaking and crying and he can feel another relationship falling apart.

That night he tells her everything. He's done lying and making the same mistakes. He figures they might end after this but either way the truth will set them free. And maybe, just maybe, they might both decide to stay.

----

_if I was crying _

_in the van, with my friend _

_it was for freedom _

_from myself and from the land _

_I made a lot of mistakes _

_I made a lot of mistakes _

_I made a lot of mistakes _

_I made a lot of mistakes_

* * *

**Song Credit:** "Chicago" – Sufjan Stevens


	15. I Became Awake

**A/N:** I know I suck and for anyone who likes this story, I'm sorry for the long breaks between updates.

* * *

_I became awake_

_From a very dark place, a patchwork of fear_

_Of poorly conceived ideas_

It will hit her with forceful impact sometimes. The feeling that she is one of the lucky ones, that after making such terrible mistakes and losing almost everyone she loved including herself, that she's survived. That someone loved her enough, wanted her enough to save her from the edge. Sometimes she lets herself get lost in that feeling but inevitably a different feeling will catch up with her. She can't quite identify it but it fills her with unease. Rafael loves her, she knows this. She loves him too. He saved her.

She knows now, however, that there are different kinds of love. It is different with Rafael than it ever was with Lucas. There is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. And there is a difference between being saved and feeling safe.

It hits her on this morning, December 1st, 2008. She wakes up and the first thing she notices is the snowfall. It's the first of the season and Brooke smiles to herself. Perhaps the change of season signals a new phase to her life. A way forward now that she's laid to bed her past. As she scoots closer to the edge of the bed preparing to get out, Rafael's arm snakes around her waist. "Mmm, you are awake. Good," he whispers sexily into her neck. She turns her body and kisses him in response.

As his arms snake under her silk negligee, his words remind her of the first time she woke up in his bed and it stops her kisses cold. That familiar unease is back in her stomach. There is a difference between being awake and _being_ alive.

* * *

_She wakes up and she does not know where she is. Her head is pounding and her first thought is 'Thank God I'm still wearing clothes." Since coming to Paris, she has been in this situation before; awake in some place she doesn't recognize. More than once, however, she has woken to find herself naked and a stranger beside her. _

_Her relief at being awake and clothed does not last long, however, as a couple of minute later, a tall handsome man walks into the room, fully dressed in a suit and a Styrofoam cup in his hand._

"_Oh good you are alive. I was worried you had overdosed." His tone is casual and Brooke can't tell if he is kidding or he really views her potential overdose with such disinterest._

_Brooke stares at the stranger, trying to read him but finds it impossible. Her vision is still fogged and it's hard to focus on anything without that hammer in her head intensifying its knocking. She can't remember anything past leaving Rachel's apartment to go to some party and she sighs as she runs a hand through her messy hair. She guesses she should be happy that she is alive but her eyes meet the stranger's again, she thinks she hasn't really felt alive since Tree Hill. _

"_Well I'm awake at least," she mumbles. Raising her voice she addresses the man in front of her. "Don't worry I'm leaving."_

_He shrugs. "I wasn't worried."_

_There is something about him that intrigues her and she stops mid trying to get out of bed and sneaks a look at him. Usually she's dressed and out before a guy can say 'Good Morning' to her but this man's casual self-assuredness piques her interest. _

_With this second look, it suddenly comes back to her._

"_**I think I might be the one to save you."**_

"_Who are you?" she whispers, discomfort spreading in her veins. _

_Rafael seems to notice the recognition and sudden fear in her eyes for he drops his smirk and instantly he looks a lot less cold. "I'm Rafael Jimenez. You were at my party last night. This is my house."_

_She shakes her head. "I know that."_

"_Oh!" He laughs. "You want to know who I am."_

_Brooke's eyes are filled with suspicion and she doesn't smile. He's strikingly handsome, she notices that now, but there is still something about him. She doesn't feel right._

"_I'm a businessman. I own JimCorp, you might have heard of it."_

_She nods. "You own all those media companies."_

_He takes a sip of his coffee. "Yeah I'm that guy."_

_Brooke wraps her arms protectively around herself. "What do you want from me?"_

_He smiles. "You always this paranoid?" When she doesn't answer, he continues. "I have a business proposition for you."_

* * *

In the shower after faking illness to stop kissing her husband, Brooke thinks about her relationship with him.

She had resisted his offer for him to buy back her company from Victoria in exchange for a few dates for as long as she could. Brooke Davis in Paris was not interested in romance. However, after a near death overdose that landed her in the hospital, she began re-evaluating her life.

After leaving Tree Hill, life had spiralled downhill quickly. She was mourning the death of a child, this four month old being that had been growing inside of her. This baby that she had already come to love without really realizing how much. She was mourning the loss of friendship: this curly blonde haired girl who despite everything had been like a sister. And she was mourning the end of love. Because though she blamed Lucas for the loss of the first two things, she was very much aware that he had been the love of her life.

In Paris, Brooke had found an already drugged out Rachel. Rachel's life was modelling, fast parties and free flowing drugs. It had been easy for Brooke to slip into that life. It was a more extreme version of high school before Lucas Scott and the drugs made it so easy not to feel. Slowly by slowly as she lost touch with reality, Victoria Davis was able to steal the company from her daughter. She had begun the push to oust Brooke when she moved to Tree Hill and when the Board was informed of Brooke's flee to Paris, they saw it as a final reason to fire the Clothes and Over Bros founder and CEO.

Rafael had offered to take over the company for Brooke and get her the help she needed to get clean and sober. Two months after she had met him, she walked out of the hospital, the scare of an overdose fresh in her mind and called Rafael Jimenez.

Over the next few months as Brooke got clean and Rafael got her company back for her, she started to lean on him in a way that she had never leaned on anyone before. Eventually she grew to love him and when he proposed, six months after she had met him, she said yes. He was her lifeline and he loved her. She never felt like saying no was an option.

As Brooke scrubs her body, she catches sight of her sparkling rings and stops washing. The ring like every gift that Rafael has ever given her is beautiful and expensive but also like everything that he has given her it makes her a little uncomfortable. Because it is so flashy it is probably the first thing that people notice about her and Brooke is sure that Rafael did that on purpose. Like he wanted to mark her as taken.

Rafael Jiminez loves her, she has never doubted that. It is just how he loves that sometimes worries her.

There is a difference between feeling like you belong with someone and feeling like you belong _to_ someone.

* * *

They don't end right away.

Lucas confesses everything to Lindsey and she cries and yells but after it all, she stays. Lucas is relieved and when he promises from then on, that he's going to be better, that now he has come clean, there will be no more mistakes, he truly means it. Lindsey makes him promise that he will stop researching Rafael and he reluctantly agrees. The day he is about to go tell his boss that he can't do his assignment, he decides to gather all the information he already has on Rafael to give to his boss at the Weekender so as to soften the blow and perhaps retain his job.

As Lucas goes over his research, however, he realizes that he really does not want to stop researching Rafael. There is something that just doesn't sit right with him about this guy. Almost all articles on him mention his fast rise to success as being due to his ambition and ruthlessness. Others, the ones not published in mainstream newspapers go a bit further to hint at something a bit more sinister. About Rafael's association with some underworld people from Colombia where he was born to a poor Colombian mother and an American father who took off when Rafael was two years old.

Because Lucas swore he would be honest and because he so wants to be the good guy that Lindsey married, he tells her about his desire to continue researching Rafael.

Lindsey shakes her head and when she looks at Lucas, her eyes are full of tears. "I shouldn't have married you."

Lucas gasps. "Lindsey, come on."

"It's true," she says and her voice quivers a little bit. "I knew you were a bit damaged but you were so kind and loving with me that I thought I could make you happy."

"You did." Lucas says honestly. "You do."

She shakes her head again. "I love you Lucas, I do but now I feel like I never really knew you, like you were never really mine."

"Lindsey," Lucas pleads. But already she's walking away and he's standing still. Because he can't really blame her for feeling that way and because deep down, he can't help but wonder if she's right.

The next few days after she leaves are dark. Lucas hates thinking of yet another failed relationship, yet another heart he's broken. He doesn't leave the house and he drinks all the alcohol he can find. He is a drunken mess and is a bit reminiscent of three years ago post-Brooke and Peyton and pre-Lindsey.

On the fourth day, however, he wakes up, cleans himself up until he feels like himself again and heads to the computer. He knows now that his relationship with Lindsey is definitely over but he figures maybe all this happened because this is his chance to finally save Brooke. He is convinced that there is something wrong with her husband and he is determined to get to the bottom of it.

Feeling like a weight is lifted; he sits at his laptop with a large coffee beside him. No matter how long he takes, he is going to find out everything there is to know about Rafael Jimenez.

_I became awake.  
I thought I was sleeping, but I was only forming a structure with no ceiling,  
With words like a runway, a cloud of a person drifting away.  
I was heavy, but now I am light.  
I was heavy, but now I am light_

* * *

**Song Credit**: "I Became Awake" – Great Lake Swimmers


	16. My Good Deed

A/N: So I've always had the basics of this story planned out. I started doubting my vision and the plot that I had outlined hence the long delay in updating. I have decided, however, to go with it and stay true to myself. I hope you understand this chapter and where I'm coming from. There are still many things to be addressed of course and they will be in due time.

* * *

_I tried to save a girl I truly loved  
And I never would desert her  
But we both found out that I was dreaming  
Of the day I thoroughly could hurt her_

It's always been there, this need to save Brooke, even though she has never seen it, always accusing him of saving Peyton but not her. The truth, however, was just that Peyton was easier to save. For all her sarcasm and tough girl t-shirts, Peyton wore her vulnerability in her every being. Everyone knew Peyton's issues. No one was sure about Brooke's.

Looking back on his relationship with both girls, he knows now that as soon as Brooke broke up with him in senior year, saying that she had stopped missing him, something inside him had snapped. Because then the only thing he could think was how much he loved her, how much he needed her and here she was telling him that she just didn't need him enough.

When he started dating Peyton, a part of him knew that no matter what Brooke had said, that perhaps a little part of her was hurting. He ignored that feeling, however, because Peyton needed and wanted him. Lucas Scott has always felt the need to save. To feel safe and to save.

_And I saw myself inside her eyes  
This shrinking would-be savior  
Resented her for never needing him  
And couldn't wait just to betray her_

It is not until Brooke returns to Tree Hill and they start spending time together again that he begins to realize that it never really ended between him and her. He is engaged to Peyton but as soon as he sees the cracks in Brooke's veneer, the damage that her mother has done to her, that he knows it was never about not loving Brooke enough that led him to Peyton.

Some things don't change. Lucas has lost another relationship out of his need to save Brooke. He can only hope, however, that this time will be different. This time he's saving her from more than just her demons. This time he can't afford to lose.

* * *

_I tried to save a girl I truly loved  
And didn't quite know how to help her_

It's December 18, 2008, almost two months past his boss's deadline for the article on Rafael Jimenez but Lucas has managed to keep constantly getting extensions and now he finally has solid dirt on his boss' nemesis. It should feel good but as Lucas looks around his office at all he's learned, all he is filled with is dread. His discoveries are so much more than he could have ever imagined.

He knows he has to tell Brooke. This is his chance to rescue her. But how do you tell someone that the person they love is a murderer.

"I need to see you," he says when she answers the phone.

She's silent on the other end and he guesses that she's wondering what's wrong with him. How he could be calling her after promising the last time was goodbye.

He breathes out, "Please Brooke. I wouldn't have called if it wasn't urgent."

She bites her lip and agrees right away, worst case scenarios about people that she has never forgotten running through her head.

* * *

He has been trying to come up with a way to tell her since he got off the phone with her. He figures he's a writer, he should be good at words that can soften the harsh reality of the truth. But once he's seated across from her in that same hotel room they said goodbye, he knows that nothing he can say will make it better. And maybe it is because of this that he doesn't tell her himself but instead hands over to her the research that he has put together.

Brooke takes the book of research, giving him a curious look. "What is this?"

He can only say. "I'm sorry."

Lucas watches her as she slowly looks over the words, pictures and articles that he has carefully put together to make a case against Rafael Jimenez. Brooke's faces gets more ashen with each page she flips.

It takes her a while to get through the book and he worries about her lack of words. Her paleness is the only sign of what she is feeling; the rest of her face a mask. When she closes the book, her eyes remain downcast, the book on her lap.

There is a long silence as Lucas again tries to think of what to say but he has no idea what Brooke is feeling and therefore no clue as to what words he should offer.

Finally she speaks but her words give no insight into her feelings. "Where did you get this Lucas?"

She sounds completely normal, unaffected, like she is asking where he got a shirt that she doesn't quite like. She's still not looking at him.

"I, I," Lucas stutters before finding his voice. "I've been researching him. I went to Colombia."

His words bring her face up. "What? Why would you do that?" There is more emotion in her voice and her face. The surprise and confusion are obvious.

Lucas runs a hand through his hair. "I know it sounds crazy but it all started with an assignment that my boss gave me and then turned to something so much more personal. I knew there was something off about him but couldn't find much here. I needed to find out how Rafael got so powerful. It started in Colombia."

"This is crazy. Rafael is not a monster." She is standing now, busying herself with gathering her things up from the couch she was just on.

He makes her way towards her with urgency. "Brooke, Juan Carlos disappeared. The guy that wrote these articles, after they were published, he went missing. I saw his family Brooke. They were terrified for me, for themselves. They warned me not to re-publish these articles in New York."

Brooke shakes her head. "You expect me to take the word of some foreign people that I've never met, some anonymous articles to make me believe that Rafael killed his way to power. He is my husband."

Lucas grabs Brooke by the wrists. "No, I expect you to take my word. I wouldn't have showed you all of this if I didn't feel sure. Rafael was involved with a lot of suspicious people. Even now, even in Paris, his connections are still not completely pure. Did you know that he was investigated by French police over ties to mob organizations?"

Shaking her head once more, Brooke removes her hands from Lucas' grip. "I don't believe you," she whispers. She is already stepping around him and towards the door. Before she grabs the handle, "Lucas, you need to drop this. Rafael is my husband and I know him, he wouldn't kill anyone."

Lucas swallows hard and tells Brooke a truth that he knows forever altered his ideas of good and evil. "Dan killed his own brother in cold blood. You are so sure that Rafael wouldn't kill for power?"

Brooke flinches and wraps her arms around herself. "Lucas, if you ever loved me, please drop this."

She walks out of the room and Lucas stays behind, contemplating her words. Her plea and reaction make no sense to him. He thought she would be shocked and devastated but she had seemed more angry than anything. It then hits him that denial is the first stage and the devastation will come later. He quickly leaves the hotel room and runs after her. He comes out of the hotel just in time to see her enter a cab.

"Brooke," he calls out, just as a motorcycle roars its engine to life and his calls gets drowned out.

He watches the cab pull away and curses himself. When it comes to confessing truths to Brooke, his methods have always been lousy and this time seems no different. Brooke is gone to do who knows what with the book. But it's not the book he is worried about, he has known since going to Colombia that he could never submit his findings to his boss. This is all about Brooke, getting her away from that monster she calls husband.

His heart constricts painfully and he suddenly realizes that he is standing outside in the dead of winter without a coat on and in that minute he feels completely lost.

_And when I did my good deed  
I thought I'd feel unbroken gladness  
But standing in the street alone  
I just felt sinking sadness_

_------_

"_Sometimes I just wish you could rescue me."_

"_From what?"_

"_From all of it."_

He has no idea how to rescue her from this.

* * *

**Song Credit:** "My Good Deed" - Shearwater


	17. Bad Man's World

A/N: I could give a million reasons as to why I haven't updated but I will spare you. I will just say that I am back and I hope that someone out there is still interested.

* * *

_'It's a bad man's world'_

_------_

She remembers it well. The first time that she met Rafael Jimenez. Fucked up and completely out of it, she remembers. That's how much his presence had an effect on her. There was something about him, Brooke recalls while leaning against her porcelain white bathtub on the cold floor. She feels another wave of nausea coming on and quickly whips her head into the bowl on her left. She should have known, she thinks as she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Her diamond ring scratches her lip and she grimaces as she realizes that on some level she has always known that her husband was someone to fear.

It was why she has never told him about Lucas. There is a possessiveness in Rafael that has always worried her. Brooke knew she couldn't tell him about her past with Lucas without him getting suspicious of what Lucas had meant to her. She had played up some parts of her downfall and completely removed any mentions of being in love with Lucas and pregnant with his child. Rafael needed to be the best in everything and when Brooke agreed to marry him she knew that he would never be okay with playing second fiddle to her tragic love story.

She remembers it well. Her vulnerability, his strength. Her doubts, his self-assuredness.

"_What is it about me? Why have you always been so set on me?"_

_Rafael was on bended knee, diamond ring casting a glimmer into his uniquely dark eyes. "I've already answered this before Brooke. Are you saying no?" There was a challenge in his voice._

_Brooke shook her head. "I know, I know, you have said it before. That you had been where I was, at the lowest of the lows, but that explains why you saved my company but why do you want to marry me?"_

"_Because," he paused and stood up. "I've never wanted anyone else." _

_From anyone else it wouldn't have been enough or maybe at an earlier point in her life but Brooke looked at him and felt like he was divulging a huge secret, letting him into a part of her that no one else had never seen. Brooke knew from Rachel that Rafael had been linked to several beautiful women but was generally known as a notorious bachelor. She looked into his eyes and briefly thought of Lucas and Rafael's words sunk into her soul. She nodded. Doubts were floating in her head but she pushed them aside. This was all that she had ever wanted, a man who wanted her, all of her, issues and all; who wanted no one else._

_He placed the ring on her finger and kissed her. She smiled and for the first time since she left Tree Hill, it was one hundred percent genuine._

* * *

_Was I born as a promise to keep the peace_

_Or meet the shame_

_Before you split_

_One thing left_

_To give me my ordinary name_

_----_

Brooke has often wondered why her parents had her. Why they didn't put a stop to her growth while her Mom was still young and thin as she has heard her father refer to her in their drunken fights.

It was a common point of attack when they were fighting, her mother would attack her father for his alleged infidelities and her father would counter that maybe if she hadn't let her looks go after being married and having a baby that maybe he would have remained faithful.

It was a low blow and they both knew it. For all things that Victoria Davis was, nothing could be said against her still stunning looks. But it gave something for Richard to defend himself against while hurting the woman who he clearly was no longer in love with or maybe he never really had been.

Brooke has no memories of her family life as happy. Her happy memories of childhood come later with Peyton, Larry and Anna Sawyer. Before that there was her and two people who would rather she had never been born.

Brooke knows that her relationship with her parents is a big part of why she has trouble letting people in but no one has ever articulated it before Rafael.

_Toasting to her getting her company back, Rafael lifts his glass of champagne to Brooke's glass of water._

_"Welcome back Brooke Davis." It's a strange to thing for him to say considering he didn't know Brooke when she had her company, before Paris, but Brooke doesn't notice and clinks her glass against his, a small smile spreading onto her lips._

_"It's weird."_

_Rafael laughs; a deep low laugh that Brooke finds incredibly sexy. "What is?"_

_"I'm having a hard time getting used to everything you are doing for me."_

_Rafael takes her hand from across the table. "Well get used to it Brooke. I'm not going anywhere."_

_A shiver runs down Brooke's spine and she is not sure if it is a pleasant or unpleasant sensation. She removes her hand from Rafael's._

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_He shrugs. "I've been where you are." He takes a sip of his champagne. "And let's just say that I have parent issues too."_

_It's the first personal thing about him that he's ever said in all the time that Brooke has known him. Leaning across the table she kisses him not caring who sees. "Thank you," she whispers. It's more than just for her company, it's for understanding her and for letting her in._

Looking back Brooke realizes that's the moment when her life changed yet again. It is the moment when she began moving on from Lucas.

* * *

She remembers them well: Rachel's first words about Rafael Jimenez.

"_He owns half of Paris and this is his house."_

Brooke looks down at her ring.

"_Lucas, if you ever loved me, please drop this."_

Her plea to Lucas was not because she didn't believe him but rather because she did.

She shudders as she thinks what Rafael would do if he found out about Lucas looking into his past and even worse what role Lucas had in Brooke's past; what role Lucas still seeks.

Rafael once told Brooke he would be the one to save her. There is now no one else who can inhabit that role.

Rafael owned half of Paris when she met him. Now he owns a large part of New York.

Brooke knows that as soon as he slipped the ring onto her finger, he owned her too.

* * *

_It's a bad man's world_

_And I'm a bad bad girl_

* * *

**Song Credit**: "Bad Man's World" – Jenny Lewis


	18. World Spins Madly On

A/N: I cannot apologize enough for my long absence. The OTH muse left me as I no longer watch the show. But I really hate when authors do not finish a story that I had invested in so I am trying not to do that to you.

Yet another chapter in the past but this is pretty much the last part of the puzzle about what happened back in Tree Hill with Brooke, Lucas and Peyton. The next chapter will be in the present.

If there is anyone out there still with me, would appreciate hearing what you think.

* * *

_Woke up and wished I was dead_

_With an aching in my head_

_I lay motionless in bed_

_I thought of you and where you'd gone_

_And let the world spin madly on_

* * *

_It's been two weeks since the confront__ation with Brooke in her room. Peyton still has not woken up and Brooke is nowhere in sight._

_He's been feeling as lost as Peyton looked when she came to see him before her accident. _

_He's been spending his days in his house, taking solace in darkness and alcohol and trying to block out thoughts of Brooke or Peyton._

_His phone rings but he does not answer. It keeps ringing, however, until he can't ignore it._

"_Brooke?" Lucas says into his phone._

"_No, it's me." Haley sounds disappointed. She's mad at him and more at Brooke. Lucas is mad too. But since his huge fight with Brooke he hasn't heard from her and despite everything, he can't stop thinking about her._

"_Lucas, I'm at the hospital," she pauses and Lucas' heart sinks. "Peyton's awake."_

_He's hung up and is looking for his shoes before Haley has a chance to say another word._

* * *

_It's awkward with Peyton. After Haley and Nathan leave the room, he hovers and paces as he talks furiously fast without quite meeting her eyes._

"_Lucas," Peyton finally interrupts his inconsequential musings. "Can you please sit down? You are making me dizzy."_

_Ashamed he nods and occupies the edge of her bed. "I'm sorry."_

"_I'm sorry too." _

_Her words cause Lucas to really look at her for the first time since he walked into the room. Her face is only a little bruised, even less than Brooke was, but she looks broken, even more so than when she came to see him before her accident. "For what?"_

"_For all sorts of things." Her voice cracks and it takes him back to oh so long ago. _

_It was the first night he really saw Brooke. After the party at Duke when Peyton had been drugged and him and Brooke had taken care of her. It hits Lucas that maybe that is when it started: the dreaded triangle. He saw Brooke for the first time and a drugged out Peyton admitted to herself that she saw something more in Lucas than she had ever let on._

"_You shouldn't be in this bed Peyton and you shouldn't be apologizing. God, I fucked up."_

"_I fucked up too."_

_He thinks she is talking about the accident so he asks. "Were you drinking?"_

_She nods and a tear slips down. "A little." She pauses. "And I was running lights."_

"_Peyton-"_

_There are multiple tears now. "I know, I know. I just felt so lost. I haven't felt that way since I was seventeen."_

"_Because of me?" His voice is low, guttural. He didn't think he could feel worse but apparently he can. "Because I could never choose between you and her." He can't dare to say her name._

"_You did choose Lucas. Everytime you had to choose, you chose her."_

_He tries to process her words so that he can come up with a valid way to refute her but he is running over their past and all he can think of are impassioned speeches to Brooke trying to convince her that she is the one and her ending it all saying that she does not love him enough._

"_You know I'm right. I chose you. I always chose you, over Brooke and over Jake and all this whole mess has proven was that I chose wrong."_

"_Jake? What does Jake have to do with all of this?"_

_Peyton meets Lucas' questioning gaze fully and she doesn't have to say anything._

"_You didn't?" He asks but he already knows she did._

_Her tearful nod confirms it. _

_He looks at her for a long time, trying to wrap his head around the information overload._

_He can't think of anything to say, however, so he leaves._

_It is not until later, when he has the heart to go back to the hospital that he finds out that Brooke knew about Peyton and Jake._

_It is another revelation that sets his head reeling and he wonders if she found out before or after him and her started their own affair._

_Knowing Brooke he figures it was before._

"_So do you love him?" he finally asks._

_She lowers her eyes. "I'm not sure about anything right now."_

_He thinks about Brooke as he looks at Peyton. "Yeah, I know what you mean."_

_It's the last conversation they will have for more than three years._

_Peyton gets out of the hospital, manages to avoid him for a few weeks and then just like Brooke disappears without a word._

* * *

_After that things in Tree Hill seem to go back to normal. Haley and Nathan continue living their blissful family life and they try to engage him in it. But everything seems tainted now, even time with them, and he retreats further into himself._

_Days turn into weeks and he stays sequestered in his house. He stops shaving and he keeps drinking more than he should be but he also starts writing._

_The only person he talks to now is Lindsey. She is a relatively new editor and her ambition propels him out of bed. She calls him constantly to check on his progress. When he asks her if she doesn't have any other writers to check on, she laughs._

"_Not really. I'm new, remember?" she says._

_He appreciates her honesty and smiles for the first time in what seems like forever._

_They form an easy working relationship and slowly without realizing it, even without leaving the house his life goes on. _

_He is mostly successful at shutting out thoughts of the past, of Peyton and of Brooke. But sometimes if he drinks too much, he wakes up and can't get her out of his head. On those days he can't write and he spends his day paralyzed in memories. Even Lindsey can't reach him on those days._

_

* * *

__The night is here and the day is gone  
And the world spins madly on__Song Credit: The World Spins Madly On – The Weepies_


	19. Fix You

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I was not sure if anyone would be still around or interested and getting your lovely feedback was so inspiring. So here you go: a chapter in the present.

* * *

_When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

Brooke is exhausted. It has been five days since Lucas irrevocably changed her world yet again. While on the surface her life has continued on normally, on the inside she is in turmoil. She has been going into work with Rafael as per usual and going to bed next to him but while he is sleeping soundly, she lays awake wondering how she ended up like this.

Rafael still kisses her and she lets him. And sometimes, she even enjoys kissing him back. With her ignoring Lucas' calls and Rafael treating her like she is the only woman in the world, it is easy for her to trick her mind into ignoring this new knowledge that she has of him. But then it will hit her and it takes all her restraint not to push him away. And once they are done kissing or having sex, she feels like she did back in Paris all those years ago: lost and a little destroyed.

She's left work early today as she knows that Rafael will be working late as it is the last real working day before most businesses close for Christmas. She hopes that maybe without his presence in their home, his scent in their bed, that maybe she can think with a clear mind.

Having just gotten out of the shower, she cleans off the mirror and examines her freshly scrubbed face. Without a shred of makeup, she recognizes that she looks tired. It worries her that it is only a matter of days before Rafael, ever observant as he is, starts asking questions.

She frowns as she thinks of the calls from Lucas that she has been ignoring. Slipping on a red silky robe, she goes into the living room and retrieves her phone.

The desperation is clear in all of Lucas' voicemails. It is a bit reminiscent of all those times in high school that he tried to convince her that she was the one for him. Except this time there is more fear in his pleas. She has to hang up before she can get through all of them.

Thinking about the past is something she has tried to avoid since leaving Tree Hill because when she does, the memories are so strong that they threaten to consume her.

Now alone in her living room, looking up at her beautifully decorated Christmas tree, Lucas' voice fresh in her ear, she allows herself to think of all that she left behind.

She remembers the family that she had formed there in high school and when she returned: Lucas, Peyton, Haley, Nathan, Jamie, Mouth, Skillz and Millicent. With the exception of Lucas, Brooke has not talked to any of them since the scandal broke.

Rachel was the one who had called the hospital constantly to ask about Peyton's condition until she finally got the information she was seeking.

* * *

"_Brooke, did you hear what I said? Peyton's awake."_

"_I told you, I don't want to hear her name or anything about that town," Brooke says numbly._

_Rachel shakes her head. "You will care again one day."_

Brooke smiles faintly as she remembers Peyton's golden curls but then another memory takes over.

_She opens her eyes to find Peyton seated on a chair beside her, sketchbook in hand but staring idly into space._

"_Hey, you are up." The smile on her face is small, reserved._

_Brooke peers at her through heavy eyelids and tried to focus._

"_I know the doctor said no visitors but I convinced them that I was your sister." Her smile widens a bit then. "It's not really a lie anyway. You are like my sister."_

_Brooke takes in the girl in front of her and tries to match her soft smile but she just does not have the heart. "I am feeling really tired, Peyton."_

_Peyton sighs and moves closer to the bed. "What's going on, Brooke? I feel like you have been avoiding me for months and now this? Haley said you fell down the stairs at our house and Lucas brought you here. What happened, Brooke?_

_Brooke shuts her eyes and tries to shut Peyton out. Her whole body is throbbing in pain but all she can think about is the fact that two days ago she was pregnant and now she's not because of a fight with Lucas about the girl currently in front of her._

_The smile is completely gone from Peyton's face and Brooke knows that Peyton must at least suspect what has been going on and is here for answers. _

_Brooke wants to push Peyton away, to scream at her to get out but she is just too tired so she tries again softly with words. "I'm really exhausted, Peyton and the doctor says I need my rest. Can we do this another day?"_

_Peyton, however, refuses to take the obvious hint and presses on. "What were you doing on the second floor of my house, Brooke?"_

_Brooke knows that she could lie, say she left something behind, but as she looks down at the tube flowing from her arm and back up at Peyton, she no longer feels that there is anything worth preserving. _

_Her lack of response is all that Peyton needs and her green eyes fill with tears. She cries and asks Brooke how she could this to her and Brooke feels surprisingly numb. _

_When it seems that Peyton is done her rant, Brooke calmly asks Peyton to leave. _

_Peyton looks at her in horror. "That is all you have to say? Who are you?"_

_Brooke shrugs. "I did not do anything that you would not have done to me or that you are not doing to Lucas right now."_

_Peyton stares at Brooke for a long minute, running over her words and seeming to search for something in her best-friend's eyes. "You have never stopped loving him," she states. "You wouldn't have done this if you didn't."_

_Brooke turns away from Peyton but her next words cause her to look up at her in shock._

"_Were you pregnant?" The words are barely a whisper but Brooke hears them._

"_What? Who told you that?"_

"_I overheard the nurses saying something about a young woman losing her baby but I convinced myself that it was not you, could not be you."_

_Gone is the anger in Peyton's face and voice, replaced by what Brooke can guess is pity and right then, Brooke dislikes the blonde more than she ever has in her life._

"_Yes Peyton, I was pregnant with a baby that Lucas and I made together. But Lucas would rather protect you at any cost so now I'm not. Congratulations Peyton, you won yet again. Can you leave now?"_

_Peyton studies Brooke again for what feels like a full minute then she slings her bag over her shoulder and leaves._As the memory of the last conversation she had with Peyton fades, Brooke realizes that she is crying.

* * *

There is that old familiar feeling of loss gripping her. Before Lucas, there was Peyton. And then there were a whole other slew of people who she loved and who loved her back. But now there is just Lucas.

Brooke looks at the phone in her hand and makes a decision. She dials the recurring number on her missed call log and waits for him to pick up.

"Hello? Brooke?" The desperation is there again.

Her heart is beating heavily. "Lucas, can you meet me at that hotel? I will try and get the same room."

He agrees right away and Brooke gets to changing.

Maybe Lucas cannot save her but maybe she can save him.

* * *

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

_Could it be worse?_

Lucas is there before her and he is grabbing her and ushering her into the hotel room before she can even knock on the door.

Once the door is shut, Brooke takes a second to look at him. He is as handsome as he has always been but he looks dishevelled and tired and the worry is etched on his face.

She walks around him and removes her jacket, placing it haphazardly on the bed.

"I've been worried sick about you, Brooke. Why haven't you called me back?"

Brooke takes one step towards him. "I was thinking about everything that happened between us in Tree Hill and I get what you are doing. You want to fix it and you want to save me but you can't, Lucas."

He shakes his head. "You don't believe me, about Rafael?"

"I know you cannot understand this but Rafael loves me and he would not hurt me."

Lucas looks down dejectedly. "You don't believe me."

"It's not that," Brooke says softly, "But whatever Rafael is, whatever he did, I really believe that he would not hurt me. But you need to stop digging and you stop trying to contact me because..."

Lucas looks at Brooke then and he understands. Brooke is scared for him.

"I can take care of myself, Brooke. But I could not live with myself if something happened to you."

Brooke's eyes cloud over as she remembers the fight that led her to losing her baby. "I told you, Lucas. Rafael wouldn't let anything happen to me. He is the one that saved me, after all that happened in Tree Hill, I lost everything and he saved me."

She regrets the words as soon as they are out of her mouth. Lucas' face twists in pain and he takes a step away from her as though she has literally pushed him.

She knows that she has hurt him which had not been her intention in coming here. She had wanted to convince him to leave Rafael alone so as to keep him safe but her wounds from battle in Tree Hill are freshly raw and her pain at that whole situation has come through in spite of her best intentions.

"You are never going to forgive me for not telling Peyton about us, are you?"

Brooke thinks back to her and Lucas' meetings at the coffee house and the hotel and his explanation for not telling Peyton. She thought she had forgiven him then.

"It's not that," she says with a sigh and moves to sit on the loveseat. She looks at her manicured hands which she has just placed on her knees and raises them to her stomach.

Lucas' follows her movements before coming to sit facing her on the coffee table.

"What is it, Brooke?"

She takes a deep breath. "I was pregnant. When we fought and I fell, I was pregnant."

Lucas takes a shark intake of breath, suddenly feeling like he cannot breathe and lowers his head into his hands.

From the rise and fall of his chest, Brooke can tell that Lucas is crying and her heart breaks a little more. It hits her then that she has been wrong to blame everything on Lucas.

She inches forward on the love seat and start rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"I'm so sorry," Lucas whispers brokenly.

His words touch a nerve in her and she stops rubbing his back and brings his head up so that their eyes are meeting.

"I blamed you for it. For more than three years, I've been blaming you but I see now that I was wrong. We all made our mistakes." She pauses to swallow past the lump in her throat. "You would have loved this baby too."

He wraps his arms around her seeking her comfort and her absolution. She lets him because she now sees that all that she lost, he lost too.

And while Rafael may have saved her three years ago, Lucas is the only one in whose arms she has ever felt truly safe.

_Tears stream down your face_

_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_

_Tears stream down your face_

_And I will try and fix you_

_

* * *

_**Song Credit:** Fix You - Coldplay


	20. Come Away With Me

_Come away with me in the night_

_

* * *

_

Brooke is laying on the bed, waiting for Lucas to come out of the bathroom.

He excused himself after breaking down in her arms and has been in the bathroom for over half an hour.

Understanding that he needs space and time to absorb what she has told him but not wanting to leave him until they figure everything else out, she has moved over to the bed to try and get some rest. She is sure that sleep won't come but it does not stop her from wanting to try anyway.

Once she closes her eyes, however, she can feel her body and mind shutting down and she surrenders to it. It does not last long, however, as she hears the bathroom door open. Lucas walks over to her and lies down on the bed beside her.

She rolls over to face him. "Are you okay?"

He is on his back, eyes to the ceiling. "Not really, no."

She can feel the lump forming again and she swallows hard and stays silent.

"Tell me how you met Rafael." It is not a question and his voice like his face is blank.

Brooke grips the flowerily bed throw. "Lucas," she pleads.

He turns to face her and she looks into his dark blue eyes. His eyes, she thinks, always give him away.

"You told me that he saved you. I need to know how." The desperation is back in his voice.

Brooke bites the inside of her cheek and begins her story.

She is shaking when she is done and cannot bring herself to look at Lucas.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, her eyes cast downward.

His grip on her hands on the mattress is immediate. "You are apologizing to me? I did this."

Brooke eases his grip. "No, we did this. You, me, Peyton and Jake – we all made so many mistakes and I just did not know how to handle the repercussions."

There is a long stretch of silence but neither turn away from each other.

"I did not know how to handle it either. Lindsey, well that was later."

"It makes me feel better," Brooke admits. "Maybe it shouldn't but it does."

Lucas looks at Brooke and she reads the regret in his eyes.

"Lucas-"

"If I could go back in time and change everything, I would. I would have left Peyton, I would have sa-"

"But you can't," Brooke interrupts softly. She can guess what he was about to say and she does not need to hear him say how he would have saved her.

Lucas and his hero complex. For so long that is all that Brooke had wanted; to be the one he rescued. Back in high school, she thought that if Lucas could rescue her from all of the drama and the pain, that they could somehow salvage their relationship. Now there is nothing to save and what he could lose in the attempt is something that she cannot risk.

"Like I said before, Lucas, I don't need you to save me."

"I can't let you stay with him," Lucas states firmly. "What happened in Paris-" he pauses. "Rafael took advantage of you.

The words ring true to Brooke. Of course she has thought it before but it is different hearing it out loud.

"It doesn't matter what happened then, Lucas. All that matters is what is happening now and you can't fix this."

"We can run away," Lucas suggests.

She looks up at him, eyes wide.

"I'm serious," Lucas says in response to her unvoiced question. His voice like his eyes is intense. "We can just leave New York, go anywhere, everywhere."

Brooke jumps off the bed and starts pacing. "How can you even think this would be a good idea? Lucas, we have just started speaking after falling apart years ago and now you want to run away together?"

"I want to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. And I don't believe that you are safe with that guy."

Brooke stops pacing and Lucas gets off the bed to come stand in front of her.

"Remember when your parents were going to move to California in junior year?"

"Yes?" Brooke answers warily not understanding where he is going with his question. "You convinced your Mom to talk to my parents and get me to stay with her until the summer.

"_What are you going to miss most about me?"_

"_I'm going to miss... the girl behind the red door."_

"I told you that I wasn't ready to lose you. I would have done anything to keep you in Tree Hill."

"That was a long time ago," Brooke reminds Lucas though the memory has left her feeling warm and nostalgic.

"I know but I would have done anything for you then and I would do anything for you now."

Brooke studies Lucas and notices the firm set of his jaw and the steely resolve in his eyes.

As if to further prove his determination, Lucas adds, "I messed up in Tree Hill when you came back. I didn't fight enough for you, just like I didn't in senior year but we are both different now, there is no Peyton and I am not going to give up on this."

"What about your wife, Lucas?" Brooke asks, the mention of Peyton reminding her that there is yet again someone else in the picture.

Lucas looks away. "We are getting a divorce."

Brooke hears the pain in his voice and as she offers her condolences she realizes that she really means it. Before in the hotel room when he had said he was happy, it had hurt a bit, but she had been pleased for him. It had showed, that in a way, something good could happen to him, and maybe to her as well and that it could last.

She looks up at him having a sudden suspicion. "Lucas, the divorce, please tell me it had nothing to do with me."

He shifts slightly and looks down at the floor and that in itself is answer enough.

"Lucas," Brooke breathes out and he looks at her then.

"It has always been about you," he says. "And I'm always getting myself into trouble because I so often refuse to acknowledge it until it is too late."

Brooke shakes her head. "You loved her."

"I love her," Lucas corrects. "But I couldn't let this thing with you and Rafael go. I need to save you."

And there it is, the truth that they both know voiced out loud, and Brooke realizes that there is no way of getting Lucas to leave her alone.

"Okay, I'll go," she agrees.

Lucas looks at her in shock. "Really?"

"Yeah, we should leave tonight."

It's not just about him saving her; it's also about her saving him. Because while she is sure that Rafael would never hurt her, she is quite certain that he wouldn't hesitate to hurt Lucas.

And while she previously thought she had found a sense of happiness being with Rafael and having her company again, she knows that she cannot continue living a life that would put Lucas's in jeopardy.

Lucas comes closer. "Thank you."

Brooke nods, decoding the silent words again.

_Thank you for letting me save you. _

XXXX

_And I want to wake up with the rain_

_Falling on a tin roof_

_While I'm safe there in your arms_

_So all I ask is for you_

_To come away with me in the night_

_Come away with me_

_

* * *

_

**Song Credit**: Come Away with Me – Norah Jones


	21. This Year's Love

**A/N**: This is the longest chapter ever**. **I probably should have split it into two but I really did not want to do that. Anyway, I figure better long than nothing, right?

* * *

_This year's love had better last_

_Heaven knows it's high time_

_

* * *

_

"So how are you enjoying my book?" Lucas asks over dinner one night.

They are seated at the dining room table of the small apartment that they are renting in Lund.

Brooke's salad filled fork hangs in the air. "How did you know?"

Lucas smiles. "You think I didn't notice all those times that you shuffle and look around nervously when I come up behind you."

The fork is lowered onto the plate. "Lucas Scott, who knew you could be so nosy!"

Lucas shrugs, still smiling. "How come you didn't want me to know?"

Brooke fidgets, suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't know. I guess I felt a bit weird about it because of when you wrote it. We've been doing so good that I don't want to keep bringing that time period up."

"I get it," Lucas says. "But the past is going to come up and we have to be able to deal with it if we want this relationship to continue being healthy."

Brooke takes a bite of her salad as she ponders his words. It's taken a while, seven months to be exact, but they are now in a good place.

After hopping from city to city in Eastern Europe for the first five months after leaving New York, they finally decided to try and gain a semblance of normalcy and settle down in one city.

Lund was suggested by Lucas who had heard of it solely because the band _The Radio Department _was from there. The mention of the band had brought back a happy memory to Brooke from her first days back in Tree Hill and she had agreed without having much to go on.

Now being here, she feels they have they made the right choice. The city is quaint and charming but with enough culture to keep them both from being bored which would have been easy with both of them having spent so much time in New York.

"Okay, no more walking on eggshells," Brooke agrees. "I'm liking it by the way."

Lucas squints in suspicion at her. "Really?"

"Yes!" she exclaims. "It's really heavy but it's good." She kinks a brow. "Even though I am disappointed that it is not all about me."

Lucas laughs as he remembers the conversation in his home office. Those mornings with Brooke are some of his favourite memories of her.

Lund feels a lot like that time back in Tree Hill. Back then Lucas felt like he was getting to know Brooke again and he savored those winter mornings more than he should have given his relationship with Peyton. Now he savors all moments of living with Brooke but he knows it is more than he should. There is no Peyton here and they have worked through most of their issues but there are still some remaining ghosts.

Lucas is completely back in love with her again and he suspects that she may feel the same way about him but he knows she is not ready to take their friendship further.

When he is honest with himself, he is not sure that he is ready either.

"Well you were a big part of me writing this book, Brooke. All those mornings that we spent together inspired me and then after you left, I took all that I was going through and put it into this book." He takes a sip of water. "So it may not be all about you but this book would not have happened without you."

Brooke nods and keeps her gaze on her plate. Her eyes are welling up and she does not want Lucas to notice.

This is why she did not want Lucas to know she was reading it. She had bought it when they were in Bratislava months earlier but she had started reading it a month ago. Every time she had reached for it before, it had felt too soon. She had seen the book so many times years ago in Paris and the sight of Lucas' name had always made her quickly look away, her heart pounding in her chest.

She was healing now and things were actually good between them and she just wanted them to stay that way.

While they had hashed everything out, sometimes Lucas would casually mention a memory or something would remind her of Tree Hill and she would freeze.

The healing process was not yet complete.

"Well you have been spending a lot of time on that computer of yours lately," Brooke finally speaks.

Lucas smiles mischievously, knowing how badly Brooke has been wanting to read what it is that he is working on. "As I said before, Brooke, you will be the first person I show it to."

She glares at him. "It's not like you have other options."

His only response is a laugh.

He'd forgotten how small moments like this make everything with Brooke worthwhile.

XXXX

"I made a friend," Brooke announces happily as she enters the apartment.

At the dining room table, Lucas closes his laptop and looks up at Brooke.

"Her name is Petra. She owns this little cute boutique downtown and she's wonderful. You are going to love her, Lucas."

"I'm happy for you, Brooke," Lucas says genuinely. He hasn't seen Brooke's eyes sparkle in four years.

With the sparkle, there is also a bit of mischief in Brooke's eyes. Lucas catches the glint and realizes that Brooke's words have another meaning.

"What do you mean I'm going to love her?"

"I may sort of have invited her and her boyfriend over for dinner tomorrow," Brooke rushes out the words and looks at Lucas nervously.

He laughs. "Relax, Brooke. I'm not mad. I think it will be fun."

Brooke's smile widens. "You are the best."

XXXX

He is right, it turns out. Dinner is fun.

They all hit it off and conversation flows like it would among old friends not strangers.

Petra's boyfriend, Jonas, is an artist and him and Lucas engage easily in conversation about music and books.

Petra is into similar things as well and there are times when the three of them talk about something that Brooke finds she knows nothing about.

She watches and listens, however, and does not feel left out. It is so different than it was with Peyton and Lucas whenever they would talk about music and art and Brooke realizes that as much as she sometimes misses Peyton, that there is maybe just too much shared history there.

Petra so far seems to be a mix of Peyton's artful soulfulness with Rachel's spunk and vivaciousness and as Brooke watches her interact with Jonas and Lucas, she realizes why she liked the brunette, blue-eyed beauty immediately.

As Brooke stands up to clear the dishes, Petra jumps up as well.

"It's okay." Brooke attempts to refuse the help.

"I don't mind," Petra insists. "And it will give these two a chance to bond," she says with a wink.

Her boyfriend laughs and Brooke can hear him saying "That's Petra for you," as her and the other girl round the corner into the kitchen. The love is clear in the bearded guy's voice and Brooke feels a dull ache settle over her heart.

XXXX

_And I've been waiting on my own too long_

_But when you hold me like you do_

_It feels so right_

_I start to forget_

_How my heart gets torn_

_When that hurt gets thrown_

_Feeling like you can't go on_

_

* * *

_

"So what is the deal with you and Lucas?" Petra asks, taking a dish from Brooke to dry.

Brooke hands still in the soapy water.

"Of course I was going to ask. There is no way anyone with eyes would buy that you are just roommates."

"I," Brooke starts. "I don't know. It's so complicated."

She feels Petra's eyes on her and she tilts her head to the right. Petra smiles at her softly when their eyes meet.

"Do you love him?"

Brooke begins washing again before she answers. "Sometimes that's not enough."

Petra takes the plate offered to her. "Sometimes it is."

"It's hard to explain but we have just been down that road so many times and each time it has ended worse than before. The last time," she pauses feeling tears spring up. "I didn't think I could survive."

"Oh I'm so sorry," Petra says dropping the dish rag and giving Brooke a side hug. "We just met and I am already making you cry."

Brooke smiles through her tears. "No, it's not you. I love Lucas and it's getting harder to pretend that I don't but going there with him again" She shakes her head. "I can't even talk about it without crying."

Petra squeezes Brooke's arms in comfort before stepping away and facing her.

"I'm sorry to have even brought it up. It was just so obvious to me as soon as I sat down at dinner how much you and Lucas love and clearly admire each other. Hearing him talk about what a brilliant designer you are and you talk about his writing, it was really cute."

Brooke smiles at Petra's choice of words. Cute seems too dainty of a word to describe her and Lucas given all they have been through.

"Obviously something brought to you to Lund that you are not willing to talk about but whatever happened in the past, maybe it is time to let it go. Maybe this is the place for a new beginning."

"Have you always been this much of a romantic? I thought you artsy types were supposed to be darker?" Brooke asks trying to cut off Petra's speech. She is sure the other girl means well but it is all too much right now.

Petra's eyes cloud slightly. "No, not always but I am trying to think positively these days."

Something in her voice puts Brooke on alert.

"A couple of years ago I found out I had cancer. Me and Jonas had just started dating and I tried to push him away for his own good. When he found out, he was livid, said it wasn't my decision to make. Looking back I am so glad he didn't let me. I don't know what I would have done without him."

"I'm so sorry, Petra," Brooke says and hates that it is all she can offer.

Petra shakes her head and wipes at her eyes. "I'm fine now but I am not 100% sure how long I have. I used to be a lot darker, believe me," She smiles. "But now I think what's the point of making myself unhappy? I just have now to live for."

Brooke is silent as she digests her words. Petra exudes confidence and light and Brooke is filled with admiration for her.

Petra breaks into her thoughts. "It is way too soon for me to be pushing my advice onto you so let's go back in there, drink wine, and talk about idle gossip like people should do at their first dinner party."

Brooke nods and follows Petra back into the living room but as soon as she meets Lucas' eyes, she knows that she will not be forgetting her conversation with Petra anytime soon.

XXXX

"That went well," Lucas says as soon as he closes the door on Jonas and Petra.

"Yeah," Brooke answers absently.

"What's wrong?" Lucas asks noticing the serious expression on Brooke's face.

"I love you." The words are said with conviction but Lucas takes in the sadness on Brooke's face and is conflicted on how to feel.

As much as he suspected that she feels the same way about him, he was not expecting them to talk about it so soon and he definitely was not expecting her to be the one to broach the subject.

"We said no more walking on eggshells and tonight Petra made me realize that we have to talk about us." Brooke sighs and runs a hand through her now long jet black hair. "What are we doing Lucas?"

"Maybe we better sit down for this," Lucas suggests gesturing towards the living room.

Once they are seated facing each other on the couch, he says, "You know I love you?"

Brooke looks at him, "Do you?"

"What? Of course, I do," Lucas responds quickly. It is a shock for him to hear her express doubt about his love for her when he has never been surer about anything.

"I have thought about this, about us, and sometimes I feel like you and me, back then and even now, that it is more about you saving me than loving me."

Lucas considers her words. "Why are those things mutually exclusive?"

Brooke shrugs. "Maybe they are not for other people but for us, for me, I need to know that this is more than just saving me from Rafael."

Lucas scoots closer to Brooke and takes her hands. "I promise it's not. Maybe it was at first, but Brooke, these past seven months have just made me realize that I never stopped loving you. Ever. And it has also made me realize that I never will."

Brooke reads the sincerity of his words in his intense blue eyes and her eyes fill with tears for the second time that night. "I never stopped loving you either."

Lucas exhales in relief, her words filling him with warmth.

"So what now?" Brooke asks.

Lucas smiles. He's thought about this, about what he wants with Brooke, creating fantasies and then trying to erase them in his brain knowing that things probably will not work out the way he would like.

"I know that we have had a hard time getting here and maybe this is tainted because we are sort of in hiding but I think we could have a good life in Lund. No one knows us here and we are already making friends, and…" he trails off. "I want to be with you, Brooke, forever, and not because of the situation we find ourselves in but in spite of it. We have another chance and I don't care about how we got here, all I care is that we are here, together."

Brooke bites her lip, trying to stop her lips from curling up and tries to think of other reasons why they may not work this time. It is proving difficult to but if she is to give her heart to Lucas again, she needs to be sure.

"We can't just forget about everything that happened."

"No, we can't," Lucas agrees. "But I am just saying that maybe we need to stop living in the past and start living in the present, and maybe even think about the future."

It's been a hard learned lesson but one that is now imprinted in him. Not making peace with the past is what permanently destroyed his relationship with Lindsey. While he doesn't regret that it led him back to Brooke, he still feels badly about how the relationship ended with Lindsey feeling like she had married someone she did not really know.

Brooke releases her lip and allows the smile to escape. It's not about giving her heart to Lucas; he already has it. "We have to take it slow."

A jubilant grin crosses Lucas' face making him seem much more boyish than his twenty-four years. "It's already been seven years. I am okay with slow."

* * *

_This year's love had better last_

_This year's love had better last_

_

* * *

_

**Song Credit**: "This Year's Love" – David Gray


	22. Happiness

**A/N: **Thanks so much to those who reviewed and are still reading and for new readers adding me to your alerts. I just realized that I started this story in 2008. Wow. I re-read my notes from back then, am obviously back in love with the story again and am keeping with the clear vision I had outlined before starting it. I can now happily let you know that the end is very near.

* * *

_What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see_

_That all I want now is happiness for you and me_

_

* * *

_

Brooke studies Lucas as he sleeps. Leaning over him, she takes in every feature of his face and laughs softly to herself as an inner voice tells her that she is being a bit creepy.

She can't help but study him, however. This is their third night of sleeping together after two months of denying their passion. Having being the one to suggest taking it slow, she knows that it was necessary, but now as she lays naked in bed with Lucas, she cannot help but think of all the time that they have missed.

The first time after they made love, laying in his arms, it hit her: this was it felt like to be truly and utterly happy. To feel safe and loved.

She remembers telling Lucas in the hotel room back in New York that she was happy at the time. She had believed it then but now it is clear to her how wrong she was.

After hitting rock bottom, she had come to think that having a husband who seemed to love her and the job of her dreams was all she needed to be happy. She realizes now that life with Rafael in New York and in Paris was going through the motions; it was surviving. With Lucas, she feels emotions that she hasn't felt since Tree Hill four years ago. She feels joy, pure and unadulterated and love that makes her feel invincible.

For the past three nights, after Lucas has fallen asleep, Brooke stays awake and watches him. Even though they have officially been back together for two months, she still cannot fathom that they are really actually together. There is no Peyton, no Lindsey, no Rafael: it is just the two of them, in a country miles and miles away from everything they used to know, and they are happy.

Brooke has not forgotten feeling like she hated Lucas but now she looks at him and doesn't feel anything other than love. Sure, there is the occasional irritation for mundane things such as when he forgets to put down the toilet seat, but she can't fathom thinking that Lucas has less than her best interests at heart like she felt for three years.

Part of her anger when leaving Tree Hill in the wake of the scandal was the feeling that Lucas wasn't willing to fight for her, for them. While they had cleared up that horrible misunderstanding at the hotel room in New York when they had met for closure, it still had not been enough.

He's given up his life for her. She knows that he misses his family: his mother, Nathan, Haley and Jamie, but he refuses her suggestion to call them saying he does not want to risk divulging their location. He sends postcards assuring them that he is safe but Brooke knows that is not enough. When she last tried to talk to him about it, he said, "It's you and me now, Brooke. That's all I need."

Brooke brings her finger to Lucas' lips. For the first month after declaring their love for one another all they did was kiss and she has come to know his lips well.

She thinks back to the hotel room in New York again.

_"You said that you loved me back then, even after everything. Did you mean it?"_

"_God, Brooke. Didn't you feel it?"_

"_Yeah, even knowing it was wrong what we were doing to Peyton, I was happy then."_

Her finger still on Lucas' lips, Brooke thinks how true that statement was. She can feel how much Lucas loves her in his kisses and with the way he makes loves to her. She thinks back to Tree Hill and realizes it was the same back then, she just didn't realize it at the time.

XXXX

"_I brought coffee," Lucas says when Brooke finally opens the door, looking less than enthused._

_Brooke eyes the coffee and wages an internal war with herself. Finally she takes the cup and steps aside to let Lucas in._

"_You were amazing last night, Brooke. I am so proud of you." He reaches out to touch her face but she moves her head slightly backward and out of reach._

"_Hey, what's wrong?" Lucas asks, concern filling his blue eyes._

_Brooke thinks back to her conversation the night previous at her opening and sighs. _

_Before it had been so easy to pretend with Lucas, to pretend that Peyton did not exist in their relationship as long as they were all not in the same room together. But with Peyton questioning Brooke the night before and Brooke lying to her, she hasn't been able to stop thinking of the situation she is in. Of the fact that she is doing to Peyton something much worse than what the other girl had ever done to her._

_It's been making her question herself but it has also made her start questioning Lucas. Because she knows that part of the reason that she has allowed their affair to happen is because of her knowledge of Peyton's own affair with Jake. The other reason is of course her love for Lucas. He, however, seems to be blissfully unaware of his fiancée's indiscretions and Brooke has been unable to ascertain his feelings for her. _

_The nagging thought that came to her at her store will not leave her alone: that this whole thing will end horribly. She's also been plagued with the feeling that Lucas is doing what he always does, waffling between her and Peyton, with the end result being her heart cruelly crushed yet again._

"_What are we doing, Lucas?" she asks the boy in front of her the same question she has been asking herself since last night._

_He is slow to respond. "I don't know."_

_Brooke's shoulders sag in disappointment. It may be an honest answer but it just doesn't feel good enough. "This has got to stop."_

_Lucas shakes his head. "We both know it's not that easy."_

_Her lips curl up. "The right thing never is."_

_Lucas hears the finality in her words and something akin to panic rises up in him. "I can't let you go, Brooke."_

_She turns her back to him, "You don't have a choice."_

_It's a sight he is familiar with. There have been so many times that she has walked away and too often he has let her. But there have been a few times, the best times, when he has not been immobile. Her dropping a box of 82 love letters to him springs to mind and he grabs her free hand._

"_I can't let you go," he repeats. _

_She tries to step back but he keeps his hold tight. "I need you," he says. _

"_Lucas, don't." Her voice is hoarse._

"_I love you." Only once the words leave his mouth does he realize he means them. _

"_What?" she asks, her eyes wide in shock._

_He repeats the words and this time when he reaches out to touch her face she lets him. _

"_I love you, Brooke Davis," he says again and smiles as he watches her dimples appear. _

_He kisses her and feels her fighting it for just an instant before reciprocating. _

_As she lays in his arms in her bed, exhausted and content, she whispers that she loves him too._

_She is still sure that this will end badly. Even if her and Lucas get their happily ever after, her and Peyton will never be the same. She pushes away the thoughts, however, because here in Lucas' arms, any fallout seems worth it._

XXXX

"Watching me sleep again?" Lucas asks, smiling up at her.

Brooke nearly jumps and immediately her face grows warm. While her eyes had remained on him, she had drifted off mentally so she did not notice him stirring from sleep.

She smiles sheepishly.

"What were you thinking about?"

She bites her lip and decides to answer honestly. "Tree Hill."

He squints at her. "Anything in particular?"

"I was so sure that everything would fall apart and it did but we had a few good months. And now we are here-" She smiles. "It's just hard to believe."

"It's like you said, people who are meant to be together always find their way in the end."

Brooke thinks of Peyton and Jake who she has heard from Lucas are now together and then looks down at Lucas.

"I guess some affairs do end with happily ever after."

Lucas looks at her seriously. "So you are happy?"

Brooke laughs at the worry in Lucas' voice. "Oh Broody. Isn't it obvious?"

He can't help but laugh at the nickname. "But losing your company again, not been able to contact Rachel-"

"I won't lie. I miss working and I miss Rachel and even though it's been years, I still miss everyone in Tree Hill and Peyton, but being with you like this-" She shrugs, unable to express in words just how good and right it feels. "I've loved you since I was seventeen."

The words fill Lucas with joy. He knows that he has loved her since he was seventeen as well but he had never been completely sure of her love for him. Now their love seems secure and he understands what Brooke is trying to say.

Lifting up off the bed, he takes her in his arms. "I just want, I need you to be happy."

She kisses the back of his shoulder. "I know and I love you for that." She removes her arms from around him and leans back so that she can look into his eyes. "I am happy, Lucas Scott, and it is all because of you."

He grins at her confident tone and concludes that they are finally in the perfect place in their relationship. No games, insecurity or lies, just love.

"Good," he says. "Because you are the girl for me, Brooke Davis and now that I have you back, I am never letting you go."

She beams at him before capturing his lips. It may have taken seven years for him to say the words but Brooke thinks this is the perfect time. She may not have believed them before but now she does. They are different people than they were when they first fell in love. They are older, wiser, changed by time and so many life upheavals.

It's more than about love this time. This time there is also trust. In themselves and in each other.

This time it feels like it will last.

* * *

_What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see_

_That all I want now is happiness for you and me_

_

* * *

_

**Song Credit:** "Happiness" – Elliott Smith


	23. The Hero Dies In This One

It starts with unease. A prickling feeling on the back of his neck that he chooses to ignore. He knows in the past he has had trouble with safe. Enjoying the feeling but wanting to be in action: to be saving. Though he does not feel antsy at all about his life with Brooke, he attributes the unease to old habits dying hard. Him and Brooke are comfortable and happy in Lund and Lucas thinks that the unease maybe because he has never learned to truly be happy in the moment he is in.

So he tries really hard to push the feeling away. Because he has never been so sure of his love for anyone, he knows that he can't let this relationship fall apart.

It's now been six months of them living as a couple in Lund and Lucas loves the city, the book he is almost finished and the girl he is with. Lucas tries to focus on that.

It doesn't work.

Over the course of a week, the prickling grows into a mass of dread that settles at the base of his heart.

He wakes up one morning and the air seems heavy with doom.

"What's wrong?" Brooke asks, her arms around his tense back.

He does not want to worry her so he settles for a half-truth. "I don't know. I think I might be coming down with something."

He lets her fuss over him and for a few minutes he thinks everything might be okay.

As Brooke prepares to leave for work at Petra's boutique, Lucas watches her and almost wants to ask her to stay at home with him.

She catches his eye and it's like she has read his mind. "Do you want me to stay home with you today? You are still not looking so hot."

Lucas shakes his head, suddenly feeling childish. "No, I will be fine."

Brooke eyes him with suspicion so he gets up from the bed and strides over to her.

He presses his lips to her freshly painted ones. "I will be fine. I'll call you if I feel worse."

"Okay," she agrees.

As he watches her go, the dread seems to intensify.

"I love you," he calls out to her.

She beams at him from the door. "I love you too, Broody."

He smiles. The nickname has never been more suiting.

* * *

"Is something wrong?" Petra asks Brooke as she catches her looking at her phone for the fourth time in one hour.

"I'm worried about Lucas," Brooke admits to her friend and boss. "He wasn't feeling well and now he is not picking up his phone."

"Maybe he is sleeping?" Petra suggests.

"Yeah, maybe," Brooke agrees glancing at her phone one more time before sliding it behind the cash register.

Lucas watches the phone ring helplessly from the chair that he is tied to.

Rafael Jiminez strides to it, his face flushing with anger at the name on the screen. His finger hovers over the answer button as it has every time the phone has rang before silencing it.

As Lucas studies Rafael, it is then he understands that Rafael does not have a plan.

He is here for revenge; that much the other man has made clear, but beyond that, the calculated business man does not seem to know much else.

It is a surprise to Lucas and it reveals just how much Brooke's disappearance with Lucas has affected the other man.

* * *

"Luke, hi, I'm home," Brooke calls out as she enters their apartment.

The sight that greets is definitely not one that she had been expecting to see and her bag drops to her floor.

"Hello Brooke," Rafael greets calmly, his eyes darker than they have ever been.

Brooke's face drains of colour as she takes in the gun in her husband's hand and Lucas tied up and gagged next to him.

"You look surprised to see me," Rafael says. "I thought you were smarter than this, love. You really thought I wouldn't find you."

Brooke shuts her eyes and wills it all to be a nightmare.

It is one that she has had many times before but in recent months has become less reoccurring.

In this instant, she hates herself for dropping her guard. She had figured that Rafael had stopped looking, had cut his losses and moved on.

He is right; she should have been smarter. She should have known better.

Rafael has never been one to give up easily.

"Please let Lucas go," Brooke pleads. "This is about you and me. I am your wife."

Rafael laughs darkly. "Oh come on, darling." His voice would be charming in different circumstances. "It's always been about him. I knew that when I met you."

Brooke gapes at the man in front of her, disbelieving of the fact that she agreed to marry him, that she once thought she loved him.

"Then why did you marry me?"

Rafael waves his gun and smiles sardonically. "Because you were beautiful, broken and sad and I thought I could fix you. That I could restore your glory and make you mine. I underestimated the power that he had over you. I should have known the moment that I introduced you at the Mayor's charity event and you pretended not to know him that something was going on."

"Nothing was going on," Brooke rushes to clarify in an attempt to diffuse an increasingly irate Rafael.

"Like I would believe you now," Rafael spits.

"What can I do?" Brooke asks. "How can I make this better?"

She is desperately pleading now but she just wants to calm him.

"You will come with me." It is not a question.

"Yes," Brooke agrees and takes Rafael's outstretched left hand.

Lucas shakes his head furiously and tries to wiggle in his seat.

Rafael turns as him and Brooke reach the door.

"Just one more thing," he says and starts to bring his right hand up.

Brooke lunges for him.

It is all she remembers before her world goes black.


	24. Running Up That Hill

**A/N:** This was a labour of love.

Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed at some point throughout the story. Without your interest in it, I might not have been motivated enough to finish it.

It was my first full-length BL story and my last.

I love BL, always will, but Brooke and Lucas moved on and so have I.

* * *

_If I only could make a deal with God_

_And tell him to trade our places_

_Be running up that hill_

* * *

"Remember when we first started dating? Keith was taking care of you and I was trouble. I remember meeting your Mom and knowing she didn't approve of me. That she thought I was ruining your life."

Brooke sighs as she remembers that first meeting with Karen Roe.

"She was right, Lucas."

Tears fill her eyes as the guilt assaults her again.

"I did this. I remember telling you that I wanted to be the one you rescued."

She closes her eyes and allows the tears to escape from her shut eyelids.

"I was wrong to say it then when you were grieving the loss of your uncle. I was wrong to keep wanting it."

She leans in closer to him as if that will make her words reach him. "Wake up, Lucas. Please. I don't need you to be my hero. I just need you to be awake."

* * *

"Brooke."

Karen Roe is standing over when she opens her eyes apparently having drifted off to sleep.

At first Brooke thinks she is dreaming and then remembers that the hospital had told her that Lucas' family would be arriving in Lund on Tuesday.

But the days since Lucas was shot have been a blur to Brooke and she is not sure what day or time it is.

"Karen-" She fidgets with the hem of her shirt. She hasn't seen her in more than four years and this is hardly the ideal situation to be reuniting in.

"I'll give you some time with Lucas," she says and quickly makes her way to the door.

Karen lets her go and turns her attention to her son.

Brooke hesitates and watches mother with son from the door.

In that moment the guilt hits her so much she feels like she might be sick.

She shuts the door as Karen lowers herself onto her first child's unmoving chest.

* * *

Haley and Nathan are around the corner when she turns.

She stops and stares.

They look the same as the last time she saw them.

It was in a hospital then too. Peyton was in a coma and they blamed her.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

"Lucas is down the hall. Karen is with him," Brooke states even though she realizes that they must know that already.

The silence and the judgmental stares are adding to her sickness. She is having a hard time remaining upright, the coffee comingling with the guilt to form bile at the back of her throat.

"What happened, Brooke?" Haley asks.

Brooke takes a deep breath in an attempt to regain functionality.

She hates the idea of having to go through the story again, after repeating it so many times in the past couple of days. But Haley sounds confused, tired and angry.

Nathan's eyes are a little bit kinder but he looks miserable.

She remembers that these people are not only Lucas' family but they used to be hers.

"Can we sit?"

* * *

She goes over the background story quickly, mechanically. She describes her life in Paris without many details; tells them about running into Lucas in New York, his research and them going on the run in a clipped official tone.

Those events she is comfortable going over, has had enough time to absorb and run them over her head since her and Lucas settled in Lund.

She stumbles, however, when she begins to explain what happened a couple of days ago; why they are meeting in the same circumstances that they said goodbye in, years later, continents apart.

"How did Rafael find you?" Nathan asks, lips set in a grim line.

Brooke looks down. "We thought he'd given up. We got comfortable."

"How could you be so naïve, Brooke? He was obviously obsessed with you!" Haley asks. The judgment has shifted to her voice.

"Haley!" Nathan's voice is sharp, a warning.

His wife rubs her face. Suddenly she looks older. "Sorry, go on."

Brooke clasps her hands together to stop them from shaking as she recounts the scene that has been haunting her.

"I saw Rafael shoot him. I tried to grab him but I guess the gun had already gone off. His arm reeled back after the shot and hit me. That's all I remember but apparently he tried to kidnap me. He stuffed me in his trunk but before he could even pull out of the parking lot, the cops surrounded him."

A ghost of a smile graces her lips. "If it wasn't for my downstairs neighbor and the efficiency of the police here, I don't know what I would have done. She called the police as soon as the gun went off and they came right away."

After a moment of quiet Haley reaches out and hugs Brooke. "I'm sorry about before. I am scared and overwhelmed but this isn't your fault, Brooke. I am glad you are okay."

Brooke wraps her arms tightly around her once best friend. Though she disagrees with Haley's statement, she takes the comfort that the other girl offers.

"I'm so glad you are here," she whispers into Haley's hair and looks at Nathan. "Lucas needs you. I need you."

Haley tightens the hug.

Nathan rubs Brooke's arm.

The sick feeling dissipates a bit then and she thinks maybe they will all get through this.

* * *

She tries to give Haley, Nathan and Karen time with Lucas even as she is crawling out of her skin every minute she is away from him.

"_It should be me in that bed." _

The thought loops on repeat in her head until she starts to feel like she is losing her mind.

She thinks back to the scene at her apartment with Rafael and constructs scenarios where she did things differently.

Sometimes her mind travels as far back as New York and she dreams that instead of agreeing to run away with Lucas, she had successfully pushed him away.

She hates herself for letting him in. Letting him whisk her away on a rescue fantasy that they both should have known would end in disaster.

Despite melting into Haley's arms earlier, she avoids her, Nathan and Karen and waits patiently for them to exit Lucas' room so that she can have time with him.

Petra and Jonas visit.

Brooke thinks of calling Rachel but doesn't. As much as she would love to see her best friend, she can't bring herself to pull Rachel into the chaos that her life is again.

She thinks of Peyton but can't make herself ask anyone if they have spoken to her.

So she bides her time and waits for Lucas to wake up.

A week passes and he doesn't.

The doctors ask to speak to Karen privately.

* * *

"I need you to wake up," Brooke repeats the words that she has been saying to Lucas everyday.

"If I could go back to the night you asked me to run away from New York, from Rafael, and take it back, I would. You shouldn't be here, Lucas."

"Brooke?"

The girl in question turns her head sharply at the familiar voice.

Standing at the door, curly blond hair thrown up in ponytail, in jeans and a sweater is Peyton Sawyer.

"Haley called me. I had to come," Peyton says in response to Brooke's unvoiced question.

Eyes quickly filling with tears, Brooke repeats the words that she had said to another former best friend. "I'm glad you are here."

Peyton nods and comes further into the room, around the other side of Lucas' bed.

"Any change?"

Brooke shakes her head. "They say he'll most likely be brain dead if he wakes up, but they don't think that will happen."

Peyton takes Lucas' right hand. "He will wake up. You have got to keep believing that."

Brooke turns to face the blond. She looks different. Happier somehow. Her eyes are red rimmed now but as Brooke studies her, she realizes that through the sorrow, the tortured expression that had been present in Peyton's eyes for as long as Brooke had known her is gone.

"And you have to stop blaming yourself," Peyton continues, breaking into Brooke's thoughts.

Brooke sighs. "You don't understand."

"Haley told me what happened but if you hadn't run away with Lucas and something had happened to you, it would have destroyed him."

Brooke can't think of anything to say to refute Peyton's statement. She is all too aware of Lucas' hero complex.

"You know that was why he was drawn to me. Because he saw me as someone that needed saving."

"He loved you," Brooke says quickly. There is no bitterness in her tone. She has had enough time to rest those demons.

Peyton smiles softly. "I know but it's not the same. Lucas loved me when he thought I needed saving. He loved you all the time."

"Peyton –"

"I'm here because I lost you repeatedly, stupidly, because of this boy and turns out you were both right all along. He wasn't just a boy, he was your boy."

"Like he told you one day on a beach, Lucas is the guy for you, Brooke Davis. He isn't going to just leave you after finally getting to rescue you."

Brooke squeezes Peyton's hand in Lucas. "Peyton, I can't lose him."

Peyton smiles confidently in a way that Brooke has never seen before. "You won't."

The confidence in Peyton's words and the sincerity in her smile warm Brooke and she turns to Lucas.

"Hear that, Broody? Peyton Sawyer finally gave us her blessing and meant it."

At this, Peyton lets out a genuine laugh.

Brooke takes Lucas' left hand. "Remember when I told you that people who are meant to be together always find their way to each other in the end. Well we found our way back but you have to wake up, Lucas, so that we can actually enjoy it with all the people that we love."

She watches his face for a sign of movement.

There is none.

Leaning in, she presses a chaste kiss onto his pale pink lips. "Wake up, Lucas," she whispers into his cheek. "This isn't the end."

She pulls back away from him, tears pooling in her green eyes and she shuts them painfully.

A minute later the fingers in her hand give her a faint squeeze.

Her eyes fly open.

* * *

**Song Credit**: Placebo – Running that Hill*

*I know it's a Kate Bush cover but I wrote this chapter with the Placebo version in mind.

* * *

Thanks again for reading. See you in another fandom, maybe.


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